I can't believe how much this hurts

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
March 26, 2024

Sometimes I hear something that takes me back to the worst times of my life. Don't Tell Me song by Disturbed is one of them.

I close my eyes and still hear the screams

That would tear apart our world

I keep reliving everything

I can't believe how much this hurts
Disturbed - Don't Tell Me (feat. Ann Wilson) [Official Music Video]

Most marriages are hard. It isn't easy adjusting to being a couple. It is even harder to live together. My husband and I married 40 years ago this year. We've been together for 42 years. I guess that proves #PTSD doesn't have to end a love story.

I remember when I had to learn about it at the library by reading clinical books and flipping through a dictionary to understand what the words meant. The younger generation finds the answers no matter where they are or if they are still wearing their pajamas. We can too now but we should understand that had it not been for seniors like us, they wouldn't know much at all. I learned from the experts. I learned from others when I got my first computer in the 90's. The ability to connect to people around the world was like a miracle. Even today I am astonished by how many other people are looking for answers as much as they are searching for hope.  

I remember when I was shocked to discover how much it hurt to see PTSD take over our lives. I had no clue what it was or why any of it was happening. I am still grateful my Dad was a Korean War veteran and knew what it was from another name, Shell Shock. When I asked him what it meant, all he could tell me was that it had to do with war. Then he told me to go to the library. Little did he know that's what started the quest. Over 40 years later, I am still learning.

The thing is, no matter what generation you are in, you can learn enough about it to find hope that it can get better. It doesn't matter if you're dealing with it from wars or dangerous jobs or as a survivor of other events. All that matters is that you love them enough to seek a way to understand them, instead of judging them. Guessing why they changed will cause you to jump to all kinds of conclusions. Most of the time you end up believing it is more about how they feel about you, than how they feel about themselves. If you misunderstand the changes, it will only get worse until you discover how much power both of you have to change it all for the better.

Then you'll be saying I can't believe how much stronger you are!

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
March 23, 2024

I successfully failed!

When it feels as if your life has gotten so crappy, there is nothing good left to see, it makes it suck all the more. I was stuck dwelling on all the things I failed with. All my mistakes, misfortunes, and support of the wrong people rusted away hope. If you search about rusted metal, you'll find most results are focused on how to remove the rust. Some are about creating rust on metal because they like the look of it.

I looked at what my life was like, and went over all the things I felt were failures. The biggest one was when I was successful in helping people learn about PTSD and now it feels as if I failed. How many people I helped stopped mattering when I was reading about more and more suffering instead of healing. I felt like a failure because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make enough of a difference to make a difference in their lives. Not being given a chance to help them ate my spirit like rust. Then I read old emails to remind me that while I failed to change the world, I managed to change it for those who gave me a chance to help them.

I felt better. Then I took a different look at other things to view failures with wide-open eyes. It turns out that some failures were actually successes to be proud of.

I failed to blame other people.

I failed to judge others instead of what they did.

I failed to hate anyone.

I failed to give up easily.

I failed to give up all hope.

I failed to stop finding reasons to laugh.

I failed to stop finding reasons to love.

You see where I'm going with this. When I looked at failures differently, I felt better about myself and what my life has turned into. I realized I can only control what I do because I cannot control anyone else. We are all accountable to ourselves. No one can control others and we shouldn't attempt to do the impossible. We can encourage, comfort, support, and show compassion, or we can beat down, hurt, push away, and hate. That last part will turn against us filled us with resentment. The first part will fill us with a power that can overcome whatever negativity we carry.

Most of us dwell on what happened to us when someone or something wrong happened. That isn't helpful. It is harmful like rust. Try to focus more on when people came to help you when you needed help the most. Let those memories feed your spirit. No matter what you see in your own life, there is always a different way to view it. I like the view from here.

let them feed your power to be happier

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
March 9, 2024

When something bad happens, we wonder why it happened to us, especially if it involved the actions of another person. It is one of those things there is never a clear answer to, we sure to manage to come up with many reasons to help us make sense of it. We never wonder why good people showed up to help us afterward.

When I heard, "2 officers, 1 first responder killed responding to domestic violence call in Minnesota; shooter also dead" on NBC News, I couldn't let it go. At first, I thought it was because I survived my first husband trying to kill me. After all, police officers showed up. I was grateful they did but honestly, I was more focused on why the man I married turned into some evil monster. Over the years I began to wonder why the police officers showed up knowing every call was a risk they were willing to take.

This is from the article above.

"Our police officers and our fire paramedics, they come to work every day. They do it willingly. They know that they might have to give up their life for their partners, for someone else. They know they have to give up their life sometimes, and they do it anyways," Schwartz said. "And you cannot understand it unless you’re in the profession."

And now I wonder why compassionate people show up when it is so much easier to be evil.

Some of you may be focusing on the reports of police officers doing bad things. We lump every other officer into that group without realizing it was only a few out of many. Unfair to the rest of them but we do it. We never wonder why being judged because of the actions of others doesn't keep the good ones from showing up to help us.

It isn't just police officers we do that with. Its everyone. I want to stop wondering what makes people evil. It's harder to be good and that's what I want to know about them.

I have good reason to be depressed and despondent right now. My husband's life is on the line because some people with jobs that are supposed to care about patients don't really care about them. I could focus on them and be filled with resentment. I choose to focus on all the good people doing all they can to help my husband. I choose to do this because I refuse to let the bad ones hold that power over me. 

It isn't easy. The easy way is to yield to bad thoughts but that isn't beneficial. It eats away hope from my soul. If I allow that to happen the bad ones win. Imagine if I gave up. I haven't given up on anything and am not about to do it now. I have too many reminders that there are more good people in this world than ones filled with all the negative forces seeking to take power away from others along with hope.

Life is hard enough at times, even with a good attitude about it. Take away hope, judge others by what others do, and you'll be miserable.

Choose to focus on what others do for you despite what others do to you. Realize that they hold more positive power for you than those who seek to harm you.

Too many people harm those with #PTSD out of ignorance. Sadly, some simply enjoy the damage they can inflict. We can focus on them, surrender what little joy we have left, or we can see them for what they truly are, and walk away. Don't give your power over to them. Too many good people are waiting to help you become happier because when they do, they are filled with gratefulness they were able to. Seek them, appreciate them, and let them feed your power to be happier. 

Neurosurgeon desperately needed in New England

Wounded Times

Kathie Costos
February 27, 2024

URGENT Neurosurgeon desperately needed in New England

I am posting this FOR THE LOVE OF JACK

After a couple of years of my husband's suffering, we finally had an answer as to why it was happening to him. He had an MRI that showed too much fluid in the ventricles of his brain. They suspected it was Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.  

In between May and November, he was in and out of hospitals and rehabs. He was sent home with visiting nurses and for a while, he went into physical therapy as an outpatient. Eventually, we were told that nothing would work until he had a spinal tap to see if he improved.

We had to wait to see a Neurologist. That finally happened in November. He diagnosed my husband and it was as others suspected. The Neurologist was certain it was not brain shrinkage. He sent the MRI and report to a Neurosurgeon. We finally saw him in January.

First, he said he was sure it was brain shrinkage and ran down a list as to why nothing would help. I was not about to let my husband leave that office without knowing how the Neurologist was sure that was not his problem. Long story short, he excused himself, left the exam room, and returned to say he was willing to try a spinal tap.

The spinal tap was done last week and it helped but he needed a blood patch because of a really bad headache. That made him improve even more. I had hope again. That hope was crushed today when the Neurosurgeon called to tell me why a shunt wouldn't help and that all of a sudden his diagnosis was that my husband's nervous system was shutting down. He keeps changing what he's saying, so all trust in him is gone.

It is bad enough to see my husband suffer all this time, and then have to wait months for experts. Most of us have to deal with that. When you end up with an expert who can't decide what is happening or what to do about it, that's torturous. 

My husband went from going to the gym 5 times a week and riding his Harley, to not being able to walk and riding a wheelchair in two years. You know we've been together since 1982 and we'll be married for 40 years this year. This is the longest we've been away from each other. Watching him suffer is tearing me apart and that's why I haven't been able to focus on much else. My life and work are on hold because I'm falling apart. 

I feel blessed to have great people helping us get through all this and doing all they can to figure out what else they can do. If you've heard bad things about the VA, it isn't the VA doctors we have a problem with. It is out in the community because New Hampshire doesn't have a VA hospital. The VA has been wonderful. I don't know how I would have gotten through all this without them. 

I also feel blessed to have such loyal readers and I am praying someone knows a Neurosurgeon who can help my husband, or at least give us a second opinion that will make sense. I am desperate and pleading for help because if anyone deserves it, it is my husband. He's the reason why I've helped veterans and their families for over 40 years. All I do is because of him, so if you have found help with my books, videos, or posts, it is because of him. If I spent time with you on the phone and helped you find hope that you can heal, it was because of him. This time I need help from you for him. PLEASE HELP US FIND THE HELP HE NEEDS.

“honey-do dude” of Waveland

US widower and veteran fights grief and PTSD by offering home repairs – for free 

The Guardian
Ramon Antonio Vargas
Sun 4 Feb 2024

“That’s when stuff comes back to you,” Chauvin remarked to CBS.

Danny Chauvin, 76, the ‘honey-do dude’ of Mississippi, fixes doors and unclogs drains to protect his mental health after his wife died.

A retired US military veteran is coping with grief from his wife’s death and post-traumatic stress from fighting in the Vietnam war by providing daily handyman services to people in his community – for free.

Danny Chauvin is the so-called “honey-do dude” of Waveland, Mississippi, according to a CBS Evening News profile of him published Friday. He told the news program that one of his favorite parts of his marriage to his wife had been the small, mostly repair and building tasks she would ask him to complete around the house, which Americans colloquially refer to as “honey-do” jobs.

Chauvin, 76, lost that part of his life when his wife of 53 years, Patricia, died in November 2022 after being sick with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and other health issues, Mississippi’s Sun Herald newspaper reported. In the subsequent quiet of his home, Chauvin realized he was not only struggling with his grief as a widower, he also was struggling to manage the depression and post-traumatic stress he had been treated for after serving with the US army in Vietnam.
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