Tom Ricks's Inbox
Sunday, August 17, 2008; Page B03
In the morning when I wake, I sometimes find myself in a wondering state. I wonder why I am still here and why I put up with the misery. The man lying beside me is my husband, but he could not be further from the idealized version that I had imagined spending my life with. My husband suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
We married several years ago, after we both returned from military deployments. He had gone to Iraq and I to Central America. He drew the short straw and I the long. There is no doubt that military deployments are stressful, but what ensues after the deployments is often much worse. We met five years ago. We dated shortly before we left, wrote each other often, and continued to date for a year after we returned before deciding to marry. I thought I had run through the full checklist that all women have to be sure that he was "the one." I met his parents, his brother and his three children from a prior marriage. I spent time at his apartment, he at mine. We traveled, we dined, and we talked. There were some concerns, but nothing that caused the dreaded red flag that disqualified most men from husband status. He had an inability to manage money, save money or budget money, but I could fix that. After all, I was a degreed accountant with an MBA. If I could be a CFO, then I could fix one man's money habits. So we married. Little did I know that two years later, money would be the least of our worries.
click post title for more
When I wrote my book For the Love of Jack, I use the same kind of analogy. What if he had cancer instead of PTSD? Would people still tell me to leave him, get a divorce and get on with my life? It was because they would be able to understand an illness like that but they were too far from understanding PTSD.
Wives, husbands, living with PTSD in their spouse not only lose the person they fell in love with as a partner, they are also dealing with the symptoms of PTSD that cause them to walk on egg shells knowing the wrong sound at the wrong time can set them off. They know they have to be careful what they say, where they try to get the veteran to go and what they watch on TV. They have to live with the nightmares waking them up at night as well as the veteran having them and yes, their sleep is broken as well. They have to live with wondering if today will be a good day or yet another day of bad.
For us, it's days of wondering if they will feel so angry inside they need to start an argument to justify how rotten they feel inside. Wondering what will get smashed in the house because they cannot control the rage of the frustration of endless days of hurting. We cannot wake them up next to them when they are having a nightmare of we may be punched out, end up with a black eye or bloody nose because while they are having their nightmare, they are not in the bed next to us, they are back where it all happened. We cannot go up to them when they are having a flashback and yell at them because they forgot to take out the trash with being in arms reach.
We can no longer go to movies with them because they can't stand to be in the dark in a huge room filled with people they cannot see, unless of course we get them to sit in the last row so they can have their back against the wall. God forbid anyone sit near them they don't know. It's the same story in restaurants. If there is not a booth available, forget about eating in your favorite place no matter how good the food is.
Talking? Well you can forget about that too. We're dealing with a person who is analyzing every single word that comes out of our mouths because of paranoia. Then there is short term memory loss and they forget what we say anyway. They are unable to make rational decisions and need to be reminded of the fact we no do not have the money to pay for the things they want. The list goes on and on and then there is the fact that when you have kids, you also have to make sure you are the buffer between your spouse and the kids so they know why they cannot be too noisy, why their parent freaks out when they get a cut and bleed, why their parent overreacts to a glass breaking on the floor.
Top all that off with the fact our own hearts are breaking seeing the suffering of someone we love, hoping and praying they begin to live a life again instead of just existing in it, knowing they, the person we fell in love with is still in there buried beneath the pain and the suffering. Praying to God that today we will see them smile the way they used to. Waiting and longing for the day when they will actually feel the love they used to have for us beating in their heart.
No need to wonder Mr. Ricks if you had a clue what comes with PTSD when they come home what the difference is between a lost limb or cancer or any other illness. Things like that are easy to understand. PTSD, well, you just have to live with it to understand it. Maybe the next time you get something in your in box, you may have the ability to know what is behind the pain, sadness and stress on us. A lot of us, well we just can't find the hope to stay married. I did. We've been married 24 years as of next month.
Senior Chaplain Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
http://www.namguardianangel.org/
http://www.woundedtimes.blogspot.com/
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington
Sunday, August 17, 2008; Page B03
The story below, from a military wife who asked not to be identified, reminds me that PTSD hurts more people than just the person suffering from it. My heart goes out to her. But reading her thoughts, I also found myself wondering whether she would feel the same way if her husband had lost an arm or his sight.
In the morning when I wake, I sometimes find myself in a wondering state. I wonder why I am still here and why I put up with the misery. The man lying beside me is my husband, but he could not be further from the idealized version that I had imagined spending my life with. My husband suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
We married several years ago, after we both returned from military deployments. He had gone to Iraq and I to Central America. He drew the short straw and I the long. There is no doubt that military deployments are stressful, but what ensues after the deployments is often much worse. We met five years ago. We dated shortly before we left, wrote each other often, and continued to date for a year after we returned before deciding to marry. I thought I had run through the full checklist that all women have to be sure that he was "the one." I met his parents, his brother and his three children from a prior marriage. I spent time at his apartment, he at mine. We traveled, we dined, and we talked. There were some concerns, but nothing that caused the dreaded red flag that disqualified most men from husband status. He had an inability to manage money, save money or budget money, but I could fix that. After all, I was a degreed accountant with an MBA. If I could be a CFO, then I could fix one man's money habits. So we married. Little did I know that two years later, money would be the least of our worries.
click post title for more
When I wrote my book For the Love of Jack, I use the same kind of analogy. What if he had cancer instead of PTSD? Would people still tell me to leave him, get a divorce and get on with my life? It was because they would be able to understand an illness like that but they were too far from understanding PTSD.
Wives, husbands, living with PTSD in their spouse not only lose the person they fell in love with as a partner, they are also dealing with the symptoms of PTSD that cause them to walk on egg shells knowing the wrong sound at the wrong time can set them off. They know they have to be careful what they say, where they try to get the veteran to go and what they watch on TV. They have to live with the nightmares waking them up at night as well as the veteran having them and yes, their sleep is broken as well. They have to live with wondering if today will be a good day or yet another day of bad.
For us, it's days of wondering if they will feel so angry inside they need to start an argument to justify how rotten they feel inside. Wondering what will get smashed in the house because they cannot control the rage of the frustration of endless days of hurting. We cannot wake them up next to them when they are having a nightmare of we may be punched out, end up with a black eye or bloody nose because while they are having their nightmare, they are not in the bed next to us, they are back where it all happened. We cannot go up to them when they are having a flashback and yell at them because they forgot to take out the trash with being in arms reach.
We can no longer go to movies with them because they can't stand to be in the dark in a huge room filled with people they cannot see, unless of course we get them to sit in the last row so they can have their back against the wall. God forbid anyone sit near them they don't know. It's the same story in restaurants. If there is not a booth available, forget about eating in your favorite place no matter how good the food is.
Talking? Well you can forget about that too. We're dealing with a person who is analyzing every single word that comes out of our mouths because of paranoia. Then there is short term memory loss and they forget what we say anyway. They are unable to make rational decisions and need to be reminded of the fact we no do not have the money to pay for the things they want. The list goes on and on and then there is the fact that when you have kids, you also have to make sure you are the buffer between your spouse and the kids so they know why they cannot be too noisy, why their parent freaks out when they get a cut and bleed, why their parent overreacts to a glass breaking on the floor.
Top all that off with the fact our own hearts are breaking seeing the suffering of someone we love, hoping and praying they begin to live a life again instead of just existing in it, knowing they, the person we fell in love with is still in there buried beneath the pain and the suffering. Praying to God that today we will see them smile the way they used to. Waiting and longing for the day when they will actually feel the love they used to have for us beating in their heart.
No need to wonder Mr. Ricks if you had a clue what comes with PTSD when they come home what the difference is between a lost limb or cancer or any other illness. Things like that are easy to understand. PTSD, well, you just have to live with it to understand it. Maybe the next time you get something in your in box, you may have the ability to know what is behind the pain, sadness and stress on us. A lot of us, well we just can't find the hope to stay married. I did. We've been married 24 years as of next month.
Senior Chaplain Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
http://www.namguardianangel.org/
http://www.woundedtimes.blogspot.com/
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington
