Is your enemy within skin?

The things I survived were bad, but what was worse, was what I did to myself afterward. The things I heard in my head, made me beat myself up more than my ex-husband did. In other words, I did more damage to me long after I got away from him than he could ever do to me. #PTSD is what comes to those who survive and won't give up until we deliver the eviction notice in the form of compassion for ourselves.

This picture is Celia, the witch I think my bad voice in my head looks like. Her smug expression is when I give into whatever horrible thing she says I am as if she won something. The thing is, she may win for a time, and the tears come, but the "win" never lasts long. I refuse to surrender to the enemy within my skin.

This is a good article on what we do to ourselves after others did it first. If you take one thing away from this, I hope you realize that you do not have to surrender yourself to your Celia and have the power within you to heal the wounds created by others as much as you can heal the self-inflicted wounds you carry. 

Silencing Our Inner Critic After Attachment Trauma

How to overcome three common inner critic messages
Psychology Today
Annie Tanasugarn Ph.D., CCTSA
Posted January 28, 2023

KEY POINTS
One of the most common after-effects of childhood attachment trauma is the development of a harsh inner critic.
At the root of self-hate and self-neglect are conditioned beliefs that one isn't good enough to be loved or cared for.
Feelings of self-hate and self-neglect can generalize to self-sabotaging behavior where trauma enactment is likely.

One of the most common after-effects of childhood attachment trauma is the development of a harsh inner critic that replaces a person’s inner voice. By nature, we are hardwired to connect with others, which teaches us how to love and respect ourselves.

However, attachment trauma from abuse, neglect, abandonment, or invalidation forces a child to adapt to punitive environments where their sense of self becomes compromised. Instead of feeling connection and safety with those in their life, they learn survival mode. Instead of learning self-love and self-advocacy from a healthy upbringing, they forgo accepting themselves in exchange for compulsively trying to become what they believe their caregivers will want.

What Is Our Inner Critic?

Anyone can develop negative feelings towards their choices or behavior, especially in vulnerable moments. However, what separates negative feelings from a cruel inner critic is a sense of worthlessness at its core message. Negative feelings based on making a poor choice relate to guilt, whereas the messages connected to an inner critic relate to shame.

Thus, negative feelings associated with guilt may include a person saying, “I made a mistake,” whereas the message received from shame may include, “I am a mistake.”
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