Still healing

Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
September 19, 2022

It is still hard to think about being able to offer hope to anyone trying to heal, but I think that is what is needed right now. The political divide is like a thorn in my soul because of all the people I once called friends. I love a good debate, but I love the truth more. I have always been more like a sheep in Matthew 25, than a goat.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?
39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.
42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink,
43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

Some of the people I thought were my friends turned out to be more like goats. My real friends are still there for me. I feel blessed to have them in my life. I am trying hard to focus on them and less on the goats. I still miss having Gunny in my life. That is the loss I am trying to heal from. He was the only one that understood what I do, and why I do it, as well as why I've done it for four decades. He was able to put politics aside, and so was I, because we valued everything else about one another. 

My therapist suggested I focus on the fact that how people treated me, says more about them than it does me. I hate having something I tell everyone else said to me, but I have to face it, sometimes that is exactly what we need to hear, even though we may not want to hear it. At the end of the day, we realize that we only have power over what we do and not what as done to us.

I am working on that and asking myself a lot of questions. I am looking back and asking what did someone do to me when I needed help before, as much as asking what they did for me before. It's a safe bet I won't be turning to those that hurt me before. Turning to them won't help fill the empty part Gunny left behind. Expecting my husband to do it won't get me anything but aggravated since he tries to listen but ends up trying to fix me instead. He does hug me when I cry about Gunny because he knew how close of a friend he was, plus he liked him too. (Ok, well he thought it was strange for a woman to have a close male friend until it dawned on him that the majority of my friends were male since I used to work with mostly men.)

Anyway, so far I managed to get through editing more of my new book and beginning to feel more connected to the hopeful parts of the story than just the dark parts. I am hoping this one will be more positive than the one I wrote after Gunny died. I went back and read the other one and it was more hopeful but it was also done when Gunny was still here.

So, if you are struggling and feeling as if the goats in your life hold more power over you than the sheep do, maybe it is time to take another look at them and see what they really are inside. Let that be your guide to a happier you. Don't expect them to change. If they treated you like crap before, they will probably do it again. If they cared about you before, they'll probably do it again too!