Adam's Answer Came On Swift Wings

"Why? What good am I now to anyone?"

Combat PTSD Wounded Times

Kathie Costos

September 21, 2017

Adam clicked the pen, put it down and stretched his fingers. He looked at the clock on his cellphone. Three hours had passed since he opted for the old fashion way of saying what he had never said before. A text would have been too restrictive. Sending an email didn't make much sense either. Too easy to just delete words plus, he couldn't think of a single person he wanted to contact. All of the people he knew, were just people he knew, but none he'd call for help. It was just better this way.

He looked at the gun for a second, then turned away as his hand reached for it. He stretched his fingers out over the barrel. It was cold, just as he felt deeply within his soul. Adam looked around the room with remembrances of his life hanging on the walls. Then, it dawned on him, it was just four years worth of his life. What about the other years? What did all of those years mean?

His eyes turned toward the other wall where he hung pictures of his three kids. When they were all in high school, Adam walked out the door. It was too much when his oldest turned 18. The same age he was when he got on the plane to Vietnam. Once in a while, his ex-wife sent him pictures of them, all grown up, with kids of their own. Grandchildren he had never held, or even seen in person.

He looked at the other wall and all the degrees he received, along with awards and the plaque he had received when he retired. What did it all mean anyway?

He had been alone for so long, and lonely, but until he retired, he was too busy to notice, too tired to care.

So, the letter to his ex-wife was done. He wanted to make sure no one felt responsible for anything that was about to happen. After all, it was more a just in case type of deal, but that was the way Adam dealt with everything. Thinking of the worst that could happen.

Adam poured a glass of whiskey and down it went. It was getting close to midnight, the time he decided to leave. He got up for a last look at the pile of papers he left on the bed so no one had to search for his paperwork just to bury him. As he reached the bed, he saw a glow in his backyard. He opened the drapes and saw a man standing near a fire.

Thoughts of pulling the trigger on himself were replaced with protecting his property.

He opened the door, saw the huge man, put his finger on the trigger and yelled, but just then, the gun flew out of his hands. 

The fire changed color and then wings appeared behind the man. Adam was frozen as he watched the wings spread out. He dropped to his knees knowing he was face to face with Archangel Michael.

Michael told him how his Guardian Angel had been with him since the moment his soul came into this world when God breathed life into him. She had been there whenever his soul cried out to God.

Adam, being Adam, argued. "When did I ever cry out?"

Michael shook his head. "You did not cry with your mouth. You did not cry out with words in your head. Your soul did."

Michael told him about the day he stood holding his Mother's hand as they buried his father. He was only 7. He was sure it felt like someone was holding his other hand. All this time, he thought maybe it was his Dad letting him know everything would be ok.

Then Michael reminded him of his time in Vietnam when he was a young medic. His Guardian Angel protected him from bullets as he risked his life to save all the soldiers in his unit. She was there another time when shrapnel hit his leg but he refused to stop holding the hand of his friend.

And then Adam's eyes burned with a flash of light. His Guardian Angel appeared holding a book on her lap. 

She did not speak a word. She simply opened the book to the page where Adam made the decision to leave his family. Michael read the page and saw how devastated Adam was because he didn't want to hurt his family any more. He packed his bag while his family was asleep. He went into each of their rooms, softly whispered "I love you" as as he carefully closed their doors. It was as if he was closing the door on the only people on this earth who still loved him.

Adam knew he was getting worse. His moods swings were more than he could control and the anger had turned to rage. The only way to go on was to stop feeling anything. 

Yet on this night, the time of being numb gave way to complete hopelessness. 

Michael held the book in his hands. "Everything you have done upon this earth is in this book. The good, as well as the bad but more, the reasons why you did them and what you felt afterwards." Michael flipped more pages.

"It remembers what you have forgotten. That all of your life, you put others first,  then humbly walked away as if you had done nothing special. You spent your entire life as last on your own list of things to take care of. What you didn't know is that ability was within your soul and so was all you needed to be able to continue to do all of it."

Adam wiped a tear as the weight of his life crushed his core. "Then why as I so miserable? Tell me why you came this night of all nights when I was down on my knees praying for relief?"

"Because this was the night you needed help the most. You wouldn't ask anyone with your pride in the way but your soul knew you still needed to be here."

"Why? What good am I now to anyone?"

Michael closed the book and Adam's Angel vanished. "Because the rest of your life's book has yet to be written. There are so many others for you to save now but first you have to ask for help for yourself. Then you'll be able to help them. If you cannot bring yourself to ask, then you can't help others do it. Are you ready to ask or are you ready to end your life's book?"

Adam didn't say a word. He fell face down on the ground. He put his arms on the back of his head. When his eyes opened, he was on the floor of his room. Stunned, slowly he looked around and wondered if he had just passed out. Had his imagination taken over and it was all just a dream?

He thought about the question Michael asked. The answer was he wanted to fight. He wanted to fight to take his life back instead of ending it. He wanted to help others understand that pain is not something that judges you. Only he was judging himself instead of doing whatever he had to do to forgive himself.

Most of his energy had been drained out of his body. It was a struggle to get up but he made his way to the chair. Crawled up into it. He picked up the letter and wondered what would have happened if he had not been interrupted. He picked up the gun and put it back in the desk drawer. 

Adam looked at his cellphone and noticed it was after 1:00 am the next day. Was it possible that all that had really happened? He wasn't sure until his cellphone rang. One of the veterans he served with was crying. He was not crying for himself, but for his own son who needed help to survive after coming home from Afghanistan. Adam had saved his life when they were in Vietnam and he was sure he'd do the same for his son.

As Adam listened to his buddy, his soul once again cried out for help to know what to say and what to do. This time, he was sure the answer would come on swift wings but he hoped that his Angel would skip the fire this time.


**Please...note that this one is fiction!

Got a vision that no one else sees
Lot of dirty work, roll up your sleeves
Remember there's a war out there
So come prepared to fight!
You never know where the road leads ya
Not everyone's gonna believe ya
And even though they're wrong,
Don't prove 'em right

I'd rather stand tall
Than live on my knees (Can't live on my knees)
'Cause I'm a conqueror
And I won't accept defeat
Try telling me no
One thing about me
Is I'm a conqueror
I am a conqueror