"I had abandoned a war veteran while I judged our government for doing the same"

There are so many things we don't seem to talk about often enough. It is not until I read an article like the one you're about to read that things come back to mind.

"At the end of the summer, exhausted and disillusioned, I told Chris I couldn't stay with him. He didn't need to ask why. We said goodbye on a cold August night. His sobs shook my body.

Chris left L.A. soon after that, and I missed him more than I ever thought possible. I hated myself for leaving him. I had abandoned a war veteran while I judged our government for doing the same. I wanted to save him. But ultimately, I didn't want him in my life.

Four years later, I still get cards from Chris, on Christmas and my birthday. I don't know where he is. The cards are generic, pre-printed, with pictures of him looking confident and upright — the soldier I had once imagined. There is no return address, so I don't write back."

I know what it is like to feel the same way. There was a time when I just couldn't take anymore. The difference is, I knew what PTSD was from the start with my husband. I knew what it did as much as why it did it to him. I knew his bad days were coming just by looking at him zoning out as much as I knew when he was actually having a rare good day. I knew what part I played in his life after making years of mistakes reacting like a jerk to him. It didn't matter how much I knew to prevent it from becoming impossible to stay.

I won't bore you with the details. You can read them in FOR THE LOVE OF JACK, HIS WAR MY BATTLE. The original book was published in 2003 because I knew all of this was coming with two wars. Like most Vietnam veterans wives I know, we didn't want the newer wives to suffer the way we did. When we were trying to hold our families together and keep our husbands alive, we didn't have anything the newer generation has including support.

The web didn't start to connect us until the early 90's. I got my first PC in 1993. All we had was when we attended events for veterans and met other wives. If you didn't go to any, you didn't have anyone to talk to. The only advice we got from family members was "get a divorce" even if they were married to veterans of past wars.

Soon we were able to learn about other Vietnam veterans, their struggles and their families as much as we were able to learn about what combat not only did to them, but us as well.

After 30 years of working with veterans and especially their families there is much we know today but leaving is something that happens a lot more than you think. Too many feel guilty over leaving. The only thing that tops that guilt is when their veteran has committed suicide. The guilt is unbearable for most.

If you have left a veteran you loved, you are far from alone. Talk to Vietnam veterans and you'll discover serial husbands. They tried 3, 4, 5 and in some cases more but instead of healing themselves, they just tried to find someone to do it for them. While they may have felt good in a new relationship, sooner or later they discover the problems in the last marriage went with them. It was doomed to fail but they tried again and again.

My husband's first wife didn't understand only because she didn't want to. Most wives try at first but when they are only surrounded by wives with "normal" problems, it gets hard to keep trying.

If you are among the leavers, don't blame yourself. Don't blame them. Learn what it is and why it all turned to hell. Forgive them and then forgive yourself. Here is one of the videos I made that may help you start to learn.

Hero After War 8:27
The men and women that served and are serving this country, were not suddenly heroes. They were born that way. They do not stop being heroic after their time in the military is over. They go on serving the nation and each other. Some come home with PTSD. Vietnam veterans understand this and they fought to have PTSD recognized as a service related wound. They are still fighting to have all veterans treated for it and offer hope that healing is possible with help.
Submitted by: NamGuardianAngel
Inspirational
Keywords: PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder combat veterans Vietnam Iraq Afghanistan military

Soldier returns, but Afghanistan stays between them
They corresponded while he served in Afghanistan. When he came home, he was haunted.
LA Times
By Rebecca Green
August 16, 2013

I'm watching an unfamiliar man pace my room, sweat dripping from his scarred neck. He tells me I'm in danger. I'd been in a minor car accident, and he believes I may have suffered permanent injury.

"You need an MRI," he urges.

"But I feel fine and my X-rays were normal," I insist.

"Injuries don't show up right away. You could have traumatic brain injury. You can't just assume everything is OK."

His agitation grows. I know this man, but I've never seen him like this. His years serving as an Air Force captain in Afghanistan are bearing down on him — and on us. I don't know if I can stay with someone this afraid. Especially because we're not in Afghanistan, we're in L.A. And we're safe here.

During the first Gulf War, the post office still took mail addressed to "Any Service Person in Iraq." I wrote a letter for my ninth-grade civics class and soon heard back from Roland, a soldier stationed in the desert. We corresponded a few times, then the war ended and we lost touch. But his words stuck with me. He told me my letters were the only mail he had received.

Almost 20 years later, I wrote another letter to a serviceman, and it found its way to Chris, who wrote back from Afghanistan. We started emailing. I scrutinized his words like I'd read a Wilfred Owen poem, searching for the reality of the war.
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