Victim transformed into survivor

Victim transformed into survivor
by Kathie Costos
Wounded Times Blog
March 8, 2013

President Obama signed legalization to protect women like me because most people in Congress gave a damn but some voted against it. These are the elected officials who couldn't care enough to vote for it.

My passion has been military/veteran families since 1982 when I met my second husband. The love he gave me after the life I lived is the biggest reason I am able to do what I do everyday. When I help a veteran or family member, they end up telling me to thank my husband for his service. What they don't know is that everyday he is behind everything I do. From supporting this work financially because I haven't been able to figure out how to get enough donations to keep going, to making sure I get off the computer and watch some TV for a while, to reminding me I am loved, he has kept me going, doing for others because he gave me more than I needed or even thought I deserved.

I was married before to Peter. I thought he was the love of my life even though my family tried to get me to leave him. Even my dog didn't like him. I wouldn't listen. Looking back now I can see that it was because of my home life growing up with an alcoholic father. He was abusive and violent, mostly to my older brother until I was 13. How can a little girl believe she is worthy of love when her Dad made her feel worthless? By the time he stopped drinking and I didn't have to come home ashamed, the fear of him drinking again never left my mind.

Peter acted as if I was his world. He acted like he adored me. Me? Go figure. We were married for a year and a half when one night he came home from work, said something to me, I said something back and the next thing I knew, he fist smashed my face. Shocked and confused I hit him back. He chased me around the apartment as I used all the defenses my brothers taught me to defend myself. I grabbed whatever I could to throw at him. I was holding my own pretty good until he punched me hard enough to knock me down. He got on top of me with his hands on my throat. Our landlady started banging on the door screaming she called the police and he snapped out of whatever had caused him to attack me in the first place.

The police came, long story short, he stalked me for over a year, or so I thought. He introduced himself to Jack right after we got engaged. He must have been stalking us all that time or he wouldn't have know who Jack was.

I was a victim of an abusive father, but became a survivor. I was a victim of an abusive spouse, but became a survivor. It was not easy to end my marriage and lose what I worked so hard for. It wasn't easy to deal with the fact he didn't really love me. It wasn't easy to get past the fact that two men in my life made me feel worthless. Pushing on, standing up, defending myself and refusing to surrender, made me a survivor.

I was worth fighting for. I didn't deserve what was done to me and they didn't deserve what I had to give to them. What made me stronger was not fighting back but fighting against holding onto hatred. I forgave both of them. I was not about to allow them to treat me badly ever again, but I was also not willing to surrender the rest of who I was to the evil they did.

My Dad and I had a pretty good relationship for years before he passed away but it took a long time. As for Peter, that took years too. I used to cringe every time I heard a muscle car speeding down the street. He was a great auto body man and had more cars than I could remember. Maybe that's why it was so easy for him to follow me but nothing gave him the ability to ever destroy me.

If you are being abused they are trying to do that to you. To destroy who you are inside. All the qualities they claimed they loved about you are targets for destruction. Don't let them do that. Had I really believed how worthless I was to them, I wouldn't have been able to do what I've done for over 30 years. The only thing stopping you is them. You deserve to be loved for real but not by them. You deserve to love yourself first. I wasn't able to do that until Peter almost killed me physically but in a way, it taught me to finally care about myself and appreciate the strength I had inside. I was no longer a victim. I was a survivor!