Thankful for inner peace today

Thankful for inner peace today
by Chaplain Kathie
Wounded Times Blog
November 22, 2012

Best Norman Rockwell Art

When we have bad memories, the whole world can look pretty bleak until somehow we get past the memories and move on. I doubt there is a single person on this earth without a bad memory. The human spirit thrives on the expression "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" so it is very hard for people to understand what living with PTSD is like. They got over what happened in their lives so why can't you?

The truth is, they really didn't get over it. When I am talking to a group of regular civilians trying to get them to understand the difference between PTSD and temporary shock, I get them to remember events in their own lives so they can begin to understand. My past came with me even if I didn't notice it chasing me.

There is usually at least one event a person can connect to when I mention it and often, they connect to several but have managed to put the even out of their thoughts. A car accident, sudden death of someone they loved, verbal or physical abuse, crimes, witnessing something horrific, getting fired or laid off and divorce. The list goes on.

Once they are connected to something in their own life, I ask them to remember how it felt. Then I ask them what it would be like for them if that event happened over and over again and when it was not happening they had to worry about being repeated.

That's what it is like for the troops and that is how they end up not being able to just get over it. As the audience re-experience their own events and discover they have not really gotten past them, what they have discovered is that they have made peace with that part of their lives.

My Mom was born 11-21-21 and passed away in 2007. Yesterday I was depressed thinking about my youth and how hard it was growing up. My Dad was a Korean War veteran and a violent alcoholic. I made peace with him when he stopped drinking when I was 13. My Mom never really did. My brothers didn't forgive him and they died younger than they should have with all that anger. I don't think about those times until I am reminded of them by an anniversary date or holiday reminds me. For the rest of the year, I'm ok but the bad memories never really go away.

I don't remember the bad times in my marriage when PTSD was trying to destroy my husband until I have to take a look at it especially when I am talking to another veteran or a family member or when I have to talk about my book. Ten years ago forcing myself to remember all of it was the hardest thing I even had to do, but when it was done, I let it go for most of the time, yet all that pain is still there even if I do not feel it on a daily basis. I have too many things to be happy about now. The darkest times in my life are not gone but I have made peace with them just like I did with my Dad.

For veterans, depending on what they went through, most of the time they are able to "move on" but all the memories are still there. For them it never really ends because there are constant reminders of the hardest times in their lives. It is very hard for them because they have not been told how to make peace with that part of their lives. We expect them to do what we do and just get over it because that is what we were able to do. Yet when we are honest with ourselves we realize that we didn't really get over times in our own lives either.

When my Dad was drinking, it was horrible and I couldn't forgive him because there was the constant threat of him coming home drunk and starting fights with my oldest brother or arguing with my Mom. I couldn't start to forgive him until I for the most part I knew there was no danger of repeats. That came slowly and took years before I was able to trust he wouldn't drink again.

In 1980 after a series of heart attacks and strokes, he was told that he was on borrowed time because his heart was so weak. Even knowing he was dying, he refused to drink because he didn't want to hurt his family again. He lived until 1987.

I have made peace with every rotten thing that has happened in my life but I have not really forgotten them. I bet you haven't either. Today take a look at what is still haunting you and try to make peace with it. The veterans I help start to heal when they do. So many times they are angry with me because they think they are getting worse because they cry. Crying is a good thing because it releases all the pain we are feeling and then we all start healing. Forgiving what others did to us as much as we forgive what they wouldn't do for us helps us find peace but forgiving ourselves is often the hardest thing to do. When we manage to do that, then we find real peace within our memories.