Screaming in an empty room

Screaming in an empty room
by Chaplain Kathie
Wounded Times Blog
November 4, 2012

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

When you are in distress, feel as if no one cares, you may do what I do. Stand in an empty room and scream! Begging, pleading for help. When I don't know what to do, know I need help, but don't know where or how to get it, that's when I give it over to God. After all, He's the only one listening to me. Everyone else seems to be deaf, dumb and blind as if I am invisible.

I usually cry after but somehow I manage to gain back some hope to keep going. Then when things don't change, help doesn't come even after that, too often I blamed God for not doing anything to help me.

I'll be reminded of all the times He managed to work it out and get me out of whatever trouble I was in, remember when strangers showed up especially when people I know didn't give a damn, and find whatever it takes to wait longer for Him to tell me what to do. I usually end up blaming Him again. If I can't depend on people, can't depend on Him, then there is no hope left.

What is hope anyway? Some people don't have to hope for anything more than small things as if their lives have been blessed with everything they need. For others they have been torn apart and need everything but need a reason to get up the next day more. If we can't hope tomorrow will somehow be better than today, there is no point hanging around. What is there to wait for? More of the same suffering? Neglect? Pain? Poverty? Shame? Does it really matter to anyone if we know what we need but they can't care enough about us to help?

We blame God. After all, standing there in the empty room in our darkest hour, He is the only one hearing us. It is just too damn hard to remember all the times He asked us to help someone else. To do something for someone else in need and act on His behalf. When they won't listen to Him asking for our own sake, He gets blamed.

What has He been asking you do to?

We talk a lot about veterans committing suicide but never seem to take a good look at why they do it. They listened to God pulling them into service. Don't give me that crap of a twisted view they are just locked and loaded to kill because I don't know a single person in the military ready to die because they just hate. They are ready to die for someone else.

They do what they think they are supposed to do then suffer afterwards waiting for someone to make their suffering worth it. Friends don't really talk to them the way they used to. Families either don't know what to do to or they don't even try. Buddies they served with may try but if they don't understand it, they really can't help.

They are told try this, try that, go here, go there, and each day they try to find what they need while each day hope slips away and then they stand in an empty room screaming for help to come for them for a change.

They try, pray, cry and then it all gets too much for them. They know others have gotten help, others have gotten better and they wonder why the help they need is nowhere to be found. What's wrong with them? Don't they deserve to be helped? What is it they didn't do? Who didn't they ask?

It has to be because of something wrong with them and it is their fault no one is helping. What else do you expect them to think?

What do you expect me to think when I read about so many others getting help to do what I do and have done for years but none of it is happening for me? What is it I have not done? Who didn't I ask? What's wrong with me?

I am tired of doing what God leads me to do and then blaming Him for other people not listening to Him. By all accounts I've saved hundreds of lives and restored families during the last 30 years, which is more than half my life and I've suffered more than I have ever shared with anyone but God. I know I'm doing what He wants but I can't keep doing it without help. They can't find hope without help.

If you want me to be here for them, to give them hope and help their families, then I need you to hear what God is asking of you.

The people I help are falling apart. Do you really expect me to ask them for a donation?

The tax deductible donation you give goes a long way because what I do doesn't cost much money at all. It takes time more than anything else and that is time I could be getting a paycheck to support my own family.

This work has drained me emotionally but I can't think of a better cause. Please don't let it ruin me financially as well.