The hardest thing we all need to face is that parents have to watch the casket carrying the body of their sons and daughters while blaming themselves for what happened. What the hell is wrong with us?
Military family loses son to PTSD
FOX 23.com
Reported by: Danica Lawrence
Published: 10/26 10:10 pm
The family of a United States Marine Corp. corporal who killed himself on Sunday wants to help veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Cpl. Wade Austin Toothman suffered from PTSD for three years. He served two tours in his four years with the Marine Corp. He deployed to Afghanistan from January 1, 2008 to August 31, 2008. Then he toured in Iraq from May 1, 2009 to October 31st of 2009.
He was held for three months after his return from Iraq to be officially medically discharged.
Cpl. Toothman’s aunt, Debi Hendrix said “When he came home the first time I looked in his eyes and he wasn’t there. He lost his best friend in an accident where he was blown up and I think that pretty much started everything.”
She said he got some help but not enough.
“He should have stayed longer but he just wanted to come home,” said Hendrix. “But he literally told them what they wanted to hear so he could come home. “
Hendrix was the first to read Cpl. Toothman’s suicide note. She said she feels guilty for not realizing how much he was suffering.
“I missed it,” said Hendrix. “We aren’t qualified. We aren’t doctors. We aren’t supposed to be; that’s why we have to find a way to help these people.”
read more here
It doesn't matter how many years I've been doing this because most of the time the people I am talking to have no clue what PTSD is or what they can do about it. They know the term but no one told them what it all means.
They know their veteran is suffering. As Cpl. Toothman's aunt said, she could see it but she didn't totally understand what she was seeing. Toothman did what most of them do when they want to come home. They lie about what is going on inside of them.
While we hear about the training they get on "being resilient" their parents are trained on how to plan for a funeral.
Now this family is doing what most end up doing when it is too late for them. They try to help someone else with what they learned so they don't have to go through the same pain. Why? Because no one else did it for them. No one told them. They know what it feels like. That is the most damaging indictment on the military "prevention" push that has yielded the opposite result by making them hopeless instead of "resilient"!
I knew wade, and just a couple of clarifications. He was deployed to iraq in '08 and afganistan in '09. Secondly, you said "the outcome proves they failed." None of us failed. Wade didn't fail. Reporters like to say things like that when they've never been over there and seen the good we're doing. Lastly, our families aren't failing us. They only know what we go through from things they see or read about in the news. There is no possible way for anyone to understand or see the signs of ptsd without experiencing what we have. Wade was a good man, good friend, and good Marine. He was broken inside and he didn't know how to fix it. That failure falls on the lap of the government that sends us home and expects us to be normal again. When you've done and seen the things we have, you'll never be normal again.
ReplyDeletePosting as anonymous, but I'll give you this much
4th squad, 2nd platoon, company G, 2nd battalion 3rd Marines
I meant the military failed, not the parents or his friends.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time when we had the excuse that researchers were just learning about all of this but that was 40 years ago. That's how long this has been going on.
By the 90's between 150,000 and 200,000 Vietnam veterans committed suicide. To see this all still happening after all these years tells me the military has failed to learn from all the research done.
In the end, families and friends blame themselves for what was not their fault. I know this because I still blame myself for my husband's nephew committing suicide. While I know we cannot save all of them, we should have been able to at least see the numbers go down instead of up.
For you, if you want to talk email me privately at woundedtimes@aol.com
@Posting as anonymous, but I'll give you this much
ReplyDelete4th squad, 2nd platoon, company G, 2nd battalion 3rd Marines
Thank you for posting the clarifications. I believe you took what was said about failing the wrong way and I am SO GLAD you did! If you hadn't, you would have not said what you did and what you said needs to be brought to everyone's attention.
THE FAILURE FALLS ON THE LAP OF THE GOVERNMENT THAT SENDS US HOME AND EXPECTS US TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. WHEN YOU'VE DONE AND SEEN THE THINGS WE HAVE, YOU'LL NEVER BE NORMAL AGAIN.
So many of Wade’s brothers and friends have contacted offering their phone numbers and telling me to call if I need to talk or if I need anything or if there is anything they can do for me to let them know. I would like to extend the same offer to them…to call me if you need to talk to someone. I am not a doctor, I have no experience at helping but I do have a heart, an ear and compassion. I am here to support you, I will not judge you. Being the parent of a Marine taught me a lot. I love you all and thank you for your service.
Louise Toothman
Proud Mother of Cpl Wade Toothman USMC
Semper Fidelis
Louise,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this happened to your son. It happens too many times and I am tired of reading about them dying when they should have been healing, especially when they are loved so much.
The DOD has failed but never once considered in the battle against this enemy they actually change the weapons they use. They just use the failures more.
You don't have to be a doctor to help and give support. Peer support is vital. That's what Vietnam veterans figured out a long time ago. It is also what helped WWII veterans because there was always someone around that "was there" and understood.
When you consider veterans are a tiny minority in this country, albeit an important one, so few can understand or even try to. Had I not met my husband I doubt I would have been involved in this at all even though I grew up with veterans. My Dad was a Korean War veteran and my uncles served in WWII.
The term "normal again" is true however you need to consider that every human is changed by living. Everything that happens in our lives goes into what/who we are.
Trauma is not part of "normal" life and that's why the Greeks used the word to describe a "wound" that cannot be seen.
My husband is not "normal" but considering what he went through and where he was, it is his "new normal" and this is our's compared to other families. It's ok. Being changed by combat is normal. It just comes in different degrees of change just as different as the men and women who serve are.
Some have a deeper compassion level and it is my belief that is what opens to door to PTSD. Don't confuse compassion with courage. Compassion actually requires courage.
If they can feel things more deeply then they can be effected more deeply.
I am writing another book and hope to have it on Amazon by January. The Warrior SAW, Suicides After War is about families like yours. The general public sees numbers, not names and the people left behind. Congress holds no one accountable including themselves and the DOD holds no one accountable. I hope to put such a personal "face" on the numbers that public gets so angry about it they do something about it.
If you want your story in it, or know someone else that wants to voice their thoughts, email me at woundedtimes@aol.com