Study set on how 'suicide bereaved' cope

What happens to a family after someone they loved committed suicide? They are shocked, they cry and then they blame themselves. They wonder how they could have missed how deep the pain was that suicide was even a thought. What did they miss? What didn't they say that could have made a difference? What did they say that could have added to the pain? Why didn't they talk to them instead of taking their own lives?

How do I know this? Because it happened in my family and has been happening since I got into all of this 30 years ago.

Study set on how 'suicide bereaved' cope
Aug. 22, 2012

LEXINGTON, Ky., Aug. 22 (UPI) -- It's estimated a U.S. veteran takes his or her own life once every 80 minutes on average and a study will analyze how those left behind cope, researchers say.

Officials at the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs said about 6,500 veterans committed suicide last year, accounting for nearly 20 percent of all suicides in the United States.

"We really do not know how many people are personally affected by a suicide in their family, workplace or community," Cerel said in a statement. "Our previous research suggests that about 40 percent of people know someone who has died by suicide and that almost 1-in-5 people report they have been personally affected by a suicide."
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By the time my husband's nephew committed suicide, I knew just about as much as I needed to be able to help him, but for whatever reason, I couldn't get him to listen. I couldn't get him to talk to me much. After all, I was just his uncle's wife and 8 years younger than he was.

My husband and "Andy" served at the same time in Vietnam. They were the same age because my husband's half sister gave birth around the same time. I was helping other veterans get to the point where they went to the VA for help and "Andy" went too but what he was getting was not enough to fill his need. He had shrapnel in his body but the VA scheduled him for an MRI, which could have killed him, but was called off moments before they turned the machine on. He sent for his records to fill in things he had forgotten about but the DOD sent him a letter telling him his unit didn't exist.

"Andy" had 100% disability from the VA but the DOD sent him that letter? What set off his PTSD was when he was heading off on a sweep after he checked the road for bombs. He was talking to a couple of his best friends, noticed his boot was not tied right, bent down to fix it when the bomb exploded killing his friends.

First he blamed himself for not checking the road right and then had massive survivor guilt because he would have been right there with them if he didn't stop.

After that letter came, he checked himself in a motel room with enough heroin to kill ten men, locked the door and his body was found the next day.

To this day, whenever I post about military suicide, guilt pops into my head and to this day I wonder what I could have done differently. The other lives I saved don't replace the sadness I feel because I know there are too many more like "Andy" out there not finding enough hope to last one more day.

It is especially heartbreaking for me when I get an email from a family member when it is too late to do anything for their veteran but not too late to help them.

Most of the time they just need to understand Combat PTSD and what it did, not just to the veteran but to everyone in the veteran's life. Then I have to help them understand it was not their fault. Understanding what caused it does not remove the guilt they feel because then they think they should have done the search in the first place. The guilt doesn't end.

Wounded Times has many comments from family members left behind but there are thousands more no one knows about. That is the saddest part of all. They didn't get the help they needed to be able to help their veteran and they don't get the help they need when they have to visit the grave.