There are over 6,000 families spending this Thanksgiving with one less member

There are people getting ready to sit down to a big Thanksgiving feast today and planning where to go for Black Friday to get the best deals for Christmas shopping. They have very little room for thoughts of the people lining up to get a meal from volunteers holding off their own dinners to provide what very well may be the only good meal the poor will have all week.

Families gather together looking at all the food on the table and wondering who will be the first to start an argument or when the nasty one of the relatives will make some kind of remark making everyone uncomfortable.

There are also families across this country looking at an empty chair and wondering what they could have done differently so that the family member would be able to join them one more year.

When a serviceman or woman dies in combat, it seems a death to be honored but when they die because of suicide it is a death that leaves regret.

I know the feeling. Years ago my husband's nephew committed suicide. He was a Vietnam Vet with PTSD. I couldn't save him and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't help him. He didn't want to listen, but worse, he didn't want to talk. To this day I wonder what I could have done differently but more now, I wonder why he didn't do things differently. Why did he choose to try to hide his pain instead of asking for help from the VA doctors treating him? Why didn't he talk to my husband or to me instead of checking himself in a motel room with enough heroin to kill ten men? Why didn't he talk to his girlfriend or to his brother? Was he in so much pain that no one else mattered to him anymore?

There are over 6,000 families spending this Thanksgiving with one less member of the family because of combat and suicide. Those are just the numbers we know about since they had a VA claim and were tracked by the VA but there are more. The latest report is one veteran suicide every 80 minutes. The DOD has their own count but you have to add them up since the Marines have their numbers, the Army has their's and then the Reservists and National Guards numbers come in separately. If the man or woman are discharged, they are not on the DOD counts and if they do not have a VA claim, they are not on their counts either. They will and forever will be on the counts of the family members facing an empty chair.

I found this piece this morning and it offers some support for family members left behind. It is never easy when some dies due to natural causes but when you add in combat, while you may think about it happening due to the dangerous jobs they have, you are never really ready for it. When it comes to suicides after they are supposed to be out of danger, it is something that you are never really over but you can stop torturing yourself because of how they decided to end their suffering.

Santa Clara County averages one suicide every three days

By Mary Gottschalk

Posted: 11/23/2011
Suicide is central to the plot of that most popular holiday film It's A Wonderful Life. Shakespeare romanticized it in Romeo and Juliet, and to some extent, so did the life-ending choices of musician Kurt Cobain as well as writers Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton and Hunter S. Thompson.
It's never mentioned in obituaries or death notices, although it occurs on average once every three days in Santa Clara County.
In 2009, the last year for which complete statistics are available, 103 men and 42 women took their own lives here. Ages 45 to 64 had the highest rate, followed by ages 24 to 44. Only one person under the age of 14 died by suicide, but that jumped to nine in the age 15 to 19 group.
Suicide is a subject very few people are comfortable talking about, yet health care professionals say that is exactly what is needed if the numbers are to come down. It is something they believe needs to be talked about openly and freely.
"We had to practice talking about breast cancer. We had to practice talking about sexually transmitted diseases. If we can talk about Viagra, why can't we talk about suicide prevention?" asks Elena Tindall, suicide prevention coordinator for Santa Clara County.

"I would like survivors to know they will get through it and let the process of grief take place. They will come through to the other side of. Let other people help them through and they will make it through."
Coping skills for the bereaved
From Brad Leary and Jeannine Parsons, Hospice of the Valley and the Community Grief and Counseling Center.
• Reach out for help: See a qualified counselor or support group to help you process your feelings. You cannot do this alone.
• Express your feelings: You may feel sad, depressed, confused and angry. Anger is a feeling we try to hide from others because it doesn't show us in a positive light. Yet, you need to work through your feelings of anger, and there can be a sense of relief when doing so.
•Share memories of your loved one: Photos and videos can be helpful. Many bereaved clients fear forgetting their loved ones. By sharing memories you can ensure that they will live on. It is important to speak aloud the name of your loved one to others.
• Be gentle with yourself: If possible, reduce your hours at work. Surround yourself with those that comfort you. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
• Set limits and learn to say no.
• Call on your personal faith.
• Write a letter to your loved one.
• Writing: journal, poetry, music.
• Remember the choice was not yours: No one is the sole influence on another's life.
• Try not to make sense of the suicide; you may never know "why." Ninety percent of people who complete suicide have a psychiatric disorder.
• Take one moment at a time.
• There is no universal time frame for healing, but you will move forward.
• Find meaning in your loss: This can be helpful after a significant period of time. You may choose to start a cause. One bereaved client started a bike ride for hope in honor of his daughter. Proceeds from the ride benefit counseling services in a local high school.
• You will never be the same again, but know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
read more here

The last part about finding meaning in your loss applies here. It made me want to work harder to save the lives of others.