Than when we first begun

Than when we first begun
by
Chaplain Kathie

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now can see.

"I couldn't remember anything more than the family I killed." said a National Guardsman. He had not been able to remember what happened before the result of that horrible day in Iraq. His unit was traveling on a road when a car came up behind them. It was going to fast. There was no way to know who was in the car or what they intended to do. Suicide car bombers would come along side of vehicles and blow up. He forgot that he tried to prevent it from happening to them. He wanted to save the lives of his "brothers" and knew he had to stop that car. He fired warning shots in the air when they were too far away. He threw rocks. He prayed they would stop. The car kept coming. He opened fire. Inside the car was a family. This was the image his soul would not let go of and he began to believe he was evil for what he did. He did not remember he intended to save the lives of the members of his "family" or that he tried everything he could think of to get that car to stop. He stopped thinking he deserved to be loved by anyone. He didn't think he deserved to ever be happy again. More, he didn't think he deserved to be forgiven. He couldn't forgive himself. He was blind to everything else that happened that day. He could not see that he was not evil but it was the goodness inside of him that tried to prevent it.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my Fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

He feared he had become evil and he was afraid of the man he saw in the mirror. He wanted to die. He tried to end his life twice but by the grace of God, his life was spared. He lost his wife, his home and he lost hope.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

It was grace that brought him to the moment when he was able to look back and see everything he had been blind to. Above all, he was able to see that he was worthy of forgiveness. Christ forgave the hands that nailed Him to the cross and for the voices calling for His death. He forgave those who put the lash to His back and placed the crown of thorns onto His head. He forgave the crowds judging Him as He carried His cross as He fell to His knees from the burden of what He was forced to carry. The young Guardsman finally understood there was nothing Christ would not forgive him for, just as much as he discovered he was able to forgive himself.

And when we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We'll have no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

Truth is bright and shining when they are able to see themselves as they are. There is nothing more loving and brave than to be willing to die for someone else. This is how they begin. If it was up to them, they would put their guns down as soon as the enemy gave up and would be happy no one else had to die. There is nothing evil in that. They are not evil when they can grieve for the loss of one of their own or when they shed a tear for a child that died any more than there is evil behind them rushing to save the life of someone else. They can see all of this if they are taken back to the time they think of "when we first begun" the journey and know goodness was in them then and still is there.