Is everybody hurting?

Is everybody hurting?
by
Chaplain Kathie

Joan Cusack had a famous line in the movie In and Out. After Kevin Kline was clued in on the fact he acted the way he did because he was gay by Tom Selleck, Kevin told Joan he couldn't marry her. Later at the bar she got into a conversation with Selleck and screamed, "Is everybody gay?" First one, then another until she thought she was surrounded by gay people. One minute she was just watching an award show with one of her students receiving an award for playing the part of a gay solider and the next, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with began to question his own life.

Humans keep a lot of secrets. Some people walk around as if they don't have a care in the world, yet they go home to a life filled with turmoil, heartache, distress and hopelessness. Behind close doors their lives are much different than anyone else can see. Talk to them on the phone and their voice sounds fine, they joke, laugh, ask about you, but then if you were listening closely, there are times when you can hear that they are hiding something. Most of us just pass it off as if they may be tired, but we don't ask if they are or not. We may pass it off as if they may have been caught in the middle of something they were doing when we called, but again, we pass it off because we believe they would tell us if it was something we needed to know.

We're all clueless that way. Discovering someone you think you know is actually living a double life filled with pain is never easy but we won't see it if we don't look, don't ask or don't even wonder.

I just posted about suicides in Florida and Colorado in the civilian population plus a post about the National Guards suicides and another one focused on the Marines. It's often very hard to talk to someone in need of help because you just don't know what to say even if you do notice something very wrong. If you can't find words, then put yourself in their place and then use the same words to start off with that you would want to hear. Chances are, they think a lot like you.

Be there to listen. Gently get them to open up and then listen. If there are moments of silence, let there be moments of silence while they struggle with what they want to tell you at the same time they need to figure out if they should or not. That depends on how close you are to them. If they know they can trust you to still be there for them because you have a history of it, then the trust is already built in. If there has been a history of letting them down, then be prepared for it to take longer. The key point is if they know you do care about them enough to listen without judging them.

Don't ever minimize their pain. It's real enough to them to get them to the emotional state they're in. Don't interrupt them and talk about your own problems with something trivial. If you have something in common with what they have going on and they are having a hard time talking, then by all means, talk to them if there has been a long silence. Don't tell them your dog messed on the rug as they are struggling to tell you they don't want to live anymore.

Offer to help. If it means they need you to call or be available to them by phone, then don't let the call go to voice mail because you're watching a TV show. If they need you to visit, don't show up between appointments. Cancel the other one so that you can spend as much time as they need. If you want to cook something for them and bring it over but they want to take you out for dinner, then go. This is what they need to do and this isn't about you. Sometimes it's easier for them to open up if they feel they are giving something back and not just taking your time while unloading pain on your shoulders. This is about what they need to get through it if you really want to help them.

If you find they are in serious trouble, then talk to them about getting some help. If they are in real danger, then you need to call 911 as much as you may not want to. If you are wrong and they are not trying to kill themselves, at least you got them to a place where they can get some professional help. Regretting you could have done something when it is too late is a heavy burden to carry.

If they have financial distress and you don't have money to help them then do what you can for them. What you can't do, ask others to help out. Maybe they need something fixed, call a friend you know who can fix it. If they need food, make some calls to find out where they can get food stamps or if they don't qualify, call a bunch of friends to pick up some gift cards at the local grocery store. Even $5 will buy a frozen dinner. Imagine what you can do with all your contacts in your email account! You can get people from across the country to help someone near you.

Don't forget about churches even if they don't go. If you go, ask your church to help. They are a lot more caring when they have a name and face to go with the need. It all becomes personal to them instead of just a number on a page from a relief agency.

If you've been asking yourself "is everybody hurting" then the answer is probably yes but there is a lot you can do to help them and give them a happy ending.