A Love Story after PTSD

Match.com commercials never seem to have a part two. We get to see these happy couples finally finding someone to love but we don't get to see them after new love becomes normal. Normal relationships are filled with joys as well as heartaches. Someone dies, someone is born, someone loses a job, someone gets a promotion. There are times of plenty when there is extra money and times of lean when bills cannot be paid. It is not the joyous times that test a marriage under any circumstances but it is the hardships that either break or bond.

The rest of us spend our youth thinking about the type of person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Some girls think of someone like their Dad or the total opposite of him depending on their own relationship with him. We think about someone strong, smart, funny, caring, passionate and will make us feel better about ourselves. What we don't think about is falling in love includes someone else's problems.

When relationships begin after combat, the civilian thinks of all the qualities the veteran has but they never seem to be able to think of the unique issues they bring into the relationship. When a relationship begins while they are active military, the hardships are right there to be looked at and considered. The spouse decides with all the information known. But when a relationship begins after, it's all unknown territory for them. Most have no clue what they're getting into. When the relationship becomes normal, they discover their idea of normal does not fit in with what they thought it was.

Today we see it all over the country as veterans come home and families, friends and lovers try to understand. It is a timeless story because I was new wife of a Vietnam vet 11 years after his trip back from Vietnam. Looking back over stories from all combat eras, there was always a family, always friends and always lovers these veterans returned to.

This is a story of a relationship begun after combat. It began after a veteran tried to kill himself but as with any good love story, the darkness of what Josh was carrying was not too great of a burden for Helen to carry. The qualities within him were stronger than the heartache she would have to bear. This story is about love and finding what normal really means when the veteran comes from the minority of combat veteran.

This is not a commercial or a movie. This is real life. Turn on talk radio shows or TV shows focused on relationships and one like this is not considered normal. Considering that we're talking about people surviving the rarity of combat operations, what is normal for their families seems hard to understand by the casual observer just trying to deal with their own lives without all the complications of combat. What is "abnormal" for the civilian population is normal to the minority of us.

Another great article from Lily Casura over at www.healingcombattrauma.com

August 23, 2010
Sometimes You Have to Choose to Love -- A Love Story after PTSD
by
Lily Casura

Into the dearth of "good news" about combat veterans with PTSD and their partners comes the remarkable love story of Josh and Helen, who met and fell in love AFTER his service, his suicide attempts, and his PTSD diagnosis. While PTSD can seem like the "third partner" in a relationship -- the ever-present elephant in the room -- in Josh and Helen's story, it's what brought them together, and love, wisdom and maturity is what keeps their union intact.

I had the pleasure of getting to spend a few days recently with Josh and Helen, and was impressed by both of them, and the sheer fun of their relationship, which can be too rare among partners where one has PTSD. I was struck by Helen's clear-eyed, open-hearted approach -- the education she sought about PTSD, as she was falling in love with Josh -- and the way in which she's really becoming a wise "spokesperson" for how love is possible after PTSD. For all the broken relationships out there, and all the partners barely enduring and tolerating one another, I felt like Josh and Helen's story needed to be told, so I asked Helen to tell it. Just as a point of reference, Josh served in the U.S. Army from 2002 to 2008. He was honorably discharged in 2008, and served in Iraq from 2005 to 2006.

Here is Helen's story:
Sometimes You Have to Choose to Love