Living with PTSD like living on a roller coaster

by
Chaplain Kathie

Maj. Gen. William Grimsley, Fort Hood Acting Senior Commander wrote a piece on the rise of domestic violence at Fort Hood. Spike in domestic violence at Fort Hood.

First, if there is domestic violence in your home, get out, call the police and be safe. You can't fix this on your own no matter how much you may know, how much you love them or how much you remember they loved you. If they have changed from gentle and loving, there is something very deep and dark going on inside of them. If there was never any indication of violent outbursts from them, more than likely you're dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

There is another kind of domestic violence that is not intentional. Many veterans have ended up being arrested for domestic violence because they were in the middle of a nightmare and their wife tried to wake them up by shaking them and hollering at them. They had no clue where they were or that the hand on them was not from some enemy in the middle of battle. Wives have ended up with broken noses and black eyes because no one told them to get out of bed before they attempted to wake up a veteran in the middle of a nightmare.

There are a lot of things they do that appear to be domestic violence but turn out to be part of PTSD controlled over reactions.

Living with PTSD in the house is like living on a roller coaster. It's a ride that is much easier to just get off of. You want to stand on firm ground and be living a normal life again. You see the carriage going up and up as your heart beats fast because you can't see where it is going. You know that sooner or later you're going to go down very fast as you fear crashing to the earth. Nothing makes sense anymore. Mood swings make the day totally unpredictable.

One minute they are calm and sitting there drinking coffee and the next, their hand shakes. Their soulful eyes become dark and lifeless. Their face suddenly appears to be hard as their facial muscles become tense. A flashback fueled volcano rises to the top and they explode. The trigger was something as simple as seeing the date on the calendar, when "it" happened. An anniversary date snuck up on them once again and there was no way for them to prepare because no one ever warned them.

26 years after I married my best friend and got on this ride, I can't honestly say I have no regrets. I regret the times when all of this just seemed too hard and I wanted leave especially now that the huge roller coaster rides have been downsized to a kiddy ride. Sure we have ups and downs still but our "normal" is something we're used to. It is not until I receive emails from wives new to all of this that my heart breaks remembering all the dark days.

This is what I sent to the wife of a Vietnam Vet. I don't normally get this preachy but they are involved with ministry.

I know you are in a place where it seems everything is impossible and it hurts, but "all things are possible for God" and He's proven that to me many times.

Right now I am facing very hard times, financially and emotionally. I struggle with times when I try so hard to remember all the times God bailed me out of trouble and wondering where He is right now. I've been in these darks days before yet remember when the sunlight warmed my soul and I knew He was there all the time.

There were times when my husband's PTSD brought me shaking down on my knees feeling absolutely hopeless and helpless. I prayed for him to be healed. So that one morning I'd wake up and have him back to the way he was when we met. I wanted God to do it because it just felt so right that He did, but I couldn't see tomorrow. I had no idea that while I was waiting for Him to heal my husband, He was working on both of us.

I do what I do because He helped me grow by His grace and love. I went from the darkness of praying my husband not come back home from another day of drinking to having him take my hand in the grocery store telling me "you're my best friend" because he finally understood all I did was for him. I put him into God's hands and got out of the way at the same time God used me to help him.

We are only human. We have needs and wants just like everyone else. No one would ever deliberately choose a marriage like this because with all the normal problems, this kind of marriage comes with an abundance of struggles. Don't beat yourself up over being a normal woman/wife. Even after all these years, I still pop my cork now and then because I am just human. I hear people complain about the simple, normal issues with their husbands and I wonder what they would do if they had just part of what life is like with a PTSD veteran.

The thing is, there was a day that came, after the diagnosis for PTSD, six years of struggling to keep him alive while his claim was being denied, more diagnosis tied to Agent Orange and believing nothing would ever get better, when suddenly it did.

(He) is at the point he is because you were there to help him. He will get past that point and even better because you are there with the Lord standing right by your side. What you may not notice is you will be there for others because these "dangerous toils and snares" are teaching you so that you will be one of the pastors not turning away this new generation seeking help and you will be there to help their families.

What is happening right now with the National Guards and Reservists is that in June, one committed suicide each day. We lost over 30 to suicide. They are struggling and most churches refuse to help. Most of them have PTSD, TBI and other health issues going on plus a family falling apart because they have nowhere to turn and no one to give them hope. You've been through the fire and your heart will welcome them. When (he) is feeling better, he'll join you in this because he is another one who understands the pain but will again know the rejoicing in the arms of God.

What this wife cannot see is how much has been possible with her husband because she was helping him heal. She learned about PTSD, asked questions about what she didn't understand and opened up about what they were going through. She has abundant faith in Christ and knows that miracles happen everyday, but what she needs to be reminded of is Christ often sets us up for where He wants us to go. It's up to us to stay on the ride or walk away. It is up to us to forgive and understand or hang onto anger seeking revenge for what we feel we were denied.

As a wife, there are certain things we feel we are entitled to. Love and respect are often taken away when PTSD takes over. It's not that they don't want to still show us love or treat us with respect. It's more that they can't. Not when PTSD has taken over and all the good feelings are frozen behind the wall of pain. While no one would blame us for hanging onto the bad feelings, our choice is to hang onto them or grab onto knowledge so that we can understand what changed them and what we can do to help them heal. It's our choice.

It's often easier for me to work with the veteran than it is to work with the spouse. I was an observer in my husband's life. I understood the flashback and the nightmares but I didn't feel them the way he did. I understood what Vietnam did to him but I don't understand what it felt like. Working with the spouse, I know what it feels like and I'm taken back to my own dark days when pain seemed to be the only feeling I was capable of. I remember the days and nights of prayer without finding the words to express anything yet somehow knowing God heard me when a calm rushed through my body and the tears suddenly stopped. I knew I wasn't alone and no matter what I faced I was safe in the arms of His Son.

The choice is our's to stay and we can once we understand this is something we didn't deserve any more than they deserved this to happen to them. They did not bring this on themselves but their level of compassion opened the door to this kind of pain. The very thing that made us fall in love with them was destroying them. It is all still in there and we can help it grow stronger than the pain. What we find at the end up this roller coaster ride is someone more loving and caring than we ever dreamed possible. God works wonders when love is behind what we try to do and we are not alone.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
But you're not alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Gives sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet?
With a love so strong He'll never let you go
No, you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart

This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise?
So hear Him now, He's calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart


This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
They are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
To break our chains and set us free

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart

This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms, safe in His arms

Safe in His arms
You will be safe, you will be safe
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
http://www.songlyrics.com/phil-wickham/safe-lyrics/

He held my heart just as He does now. When the world tells me what I have is not normal, I thank God for it. How could a marriage to a PTSD veteran be considered normal by anyone? A nation with over 300 million people has less than 24 million veterans and even less have seen combat. What do they know about any of this? What do they know about the magnificent soul in any of them "willing to lay down their lives for the sake of their friends" as we know them? What does the world know about battles being fought everyday in our homes when they were not interested in the battles they fought in Korea,Vietnam, Kuwait, Somalia, Bosnia, Beirut, Afghanistan or Iraq? What does the world know about unselfish love that seeks nothing for self but everything for someone else?

We can go to church and hear the sermon about devotion, love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness and the love of Christ and actually know what the pastor is talking about. We've lived it because we allowed Him to guide us, strengthen us and help us heal.

We know what it's like when the uniforms come off and together we can stand strong against all odds. Half of the regular marriages end in divorce so the odds of us staying married with PTSD in the house are not very good, but if we made it this far, we've already beaten the odds. This tiny minority of this nation's people are stronger than they will ever understand because we stand side by side ready to help each other thru any trial.

Reading this blog, you've read how many stories about veterans coming home and ending up setting up support groups for other veterans, starting charities to help others, volunteering at shelters and churches? This few others understand and it's something I wouldn't miss for the world. This ride came with a high price of admission but it is one ride I am glad I got on. I know I'm safe in His arms just as I am safe with my husband's love.