Divorce veteran

Divorce veteran
by
Chaplain Kathie

A conversation I had last night with a young wife ended with thoughts of how many Vietnam veterans ended up with multiple marriages. Just as with today's young veterans, being married into the world of combat, has not been easy, it was especially hard on the Vietnam generation of veterans. While PTSD has not changed, the ability to communicate and find support has. Now we are able to reach out to other people going through the same difficulties and hardships all over the country. We are able to connect to people around the world if we can't find someone else right here. We can find information and inspiration but perhaps the most important gift is the knowledge we are not alone.

The Vietnam War brought about 2 million combat veterans home. Perhaps the most shocking piece of news is that we've reached almost as many serving in Iraq and Afghanistan as we did with all those years in Vietnam. This means that there were just as many families adopted by combat and living with the results of it. We've already seen the increased rates of suicides and attempted suicides just as we've seen the increase rates of divorces. Many families are facing year of regrets because they do not know what to do to help their veteran heal or even know the right questions to want to have answered.

Information is available all over the web for them to learn if they want to. What about the veteran's spouse from the Vietnam generation with marriages that ended long ago? Divorce under any circumstances is hard. It's heartbreaking to see a marriage end and being left with an unknown future when you thought you had it all planned. They fell in love with one person only to discover all too often they were really married to a stranger.

For the spouse of a combat veteran with a marriage that ended long ago, the fact remains that you were married into the results of combat, but you just didn't know it. You simple assumed that you were married to someone who changed, or wasn't what you thought they were and you're still living with the pain of a shocking situation. Don't blame yourself. You didn't know what the newer generation of spouses know today. No one told you that it all came back with them. The support wasn't there. Knowledge was not available to you or to your well meaning friends giving you advice to end the marriage. Your kids didn't know why their parent acted the way they did and most blamed themselves just as you blame yourself. The veteran blames himself/herself just as much because they didn't know any better.

There are jobs for all of you to do and that is to first understand what happened by know why it happened. Learn what PTSD is and what it does to survivors of combat and what makes them so unique. You didn't have a common marriage with just the usual problems everyone else faces, but you had a combat marriage with all the other problems that came with it. Once you have a great understanding, first forgive yourself for not knowing and for making mistakes because you didn't know. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, so forgive yourself. Explain it to the kids because they have to forgive their parent too. It was not the fault of the veteran because while they knew there was something wrong, they didn't know what it was or what they could do to stop feeling pain so deeply. It was not that they didn't love you enough, it was more that they couldn't stop feeling pain enough to feel the blessings that come with love.

Many veterans ended up homeless because you had no support to be able to live together.  Some committed suicide because they had no hope of being happy again.  Remember, you did the best you could for them at the time.  You just didn't know what else to do.  You cannot change your past but you can learn why it all happened and this will give you some peace.

If you are a veteran, make peace with that part of your life. There was a lot of damage done to people you loved even though you didn't mean it. Learn what was behind the way you acted and then explain it to your ex-spouse and your kids. Even if nothing comes out of it, at least give them the chance to forgive because in the process you will give them the chance to stop thinking it was their fault. No one was to blame for what no one knew. Many veterans have had three, four or even five marriages. Each one the result of hoping to find happiness thru someone else but doomed to end because the pain lived stronger than hope. Making peace with your past has to involve them as well. This way, there is hope for a fresh start in your life and healing the life you had after combat just as much as it's about healing the life you lived during combat.

Find the knowledge you need on the web and in support groups. It's not too late for you so stop wishing you knew all of it long ago and begin to use what you learn today. To heal your future you must first heal your past and then even you can find happiness in a loving relationship. It is not uncommon for an aware veteran to restore relationships with their kids once they understand why things were the way they were. Give them a chance to heal the pain they carry. It was no one's fault but the pain was no less real to everyone involved. Life is hard enough just as a human but when you're a human with combat in your life, it makes it all the more harder to find peace in your life but it is not impossible. Learn and act on what you finally understand for the sake of people you loved.