As loved ones go to war, military families face private battles

Ten years ago, I decided to write a book about living with PTSD. Nine years ago, after the attacks of September 11th, not having any luck finding a publisher to even think about publishing it, I self-published it. (It's online for free now.) Five years ago, I decided that it was time to try something different. I made videos so that other people could get to where it took me over 20 years to get to. I know what PTSD is and why I ended up married into the war my husband fought in. The following article is one of the biggest reasons why I did it.

I had to make the same decisions spouses make everyday. Do we stay or do we go? Can we stay and fight for them? Do we have what it takes to do it? Can we every break down that wall pain built? Will we ever be happy again? Will today be the day he walks away? So many questions we face each and everyday married to a stranger.

Sitting here, after being married for almost 26 years, I can assure you that you can stay together and help them heal if you love them enough to want to. You need to invest a lot of time in trying to understand PTSD so that you know what is causing all the reactions they have. You will also learn what you can do to help them instead of fighting against them. We can help them heal or we can make their lives worse.

One thing not talked about enough is domestic violence. If they are violent to you or your kids, if they are emotionally abusive to the point where you are in fear, you need to get yourself and your kids out of harms way. You also need to know that if there was no history of violence in them before deployment, PTSD is usually the cause of it after. First be safe then learn. Even if you decide to end the marriage, you should learn why it fell apart, for your sake and for the sake of the kids. You will end up either hating him or blaming yourself when in most cases, neither of you are to blame for PTSD taking over your lives. There is so much damage done to families that lasts a lifetime when we don't know what caused it. Knowing brings the ability to heal and above all, to forgive. Forgive them and forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made simply because we didn't know any better.

If violence is not an issue, then you need to decide if you love him enough to stay and fight to help him get out of the darkness he's in. Before deciding, learn what PTSD is. This will also give you a tool to help you know where all of it is coming from. We can make it worse for them or we can help them heal.

As loved ones go to war, military families face private battles

12:18 AM CDT on Sunday, June 6, 2010
By DAVID TARRANT / The Dallas Morning News dtarrant@dallasnews.com

Yet "there are not enough mental health providers to meet the demand, case managers and providers are overwhelmed, wait times are too long for appointments and between appointments for those in need of mental health and other services," the report stated. The institute's two-year study was mandated by Congress to help veterans readjust to civilian life.

The story of war is not just about combat on the battlefield. It's also about the families who remain behind to fight their own private battles.

It's the story of Aimee Ybarra, a mother of two grade-school children, whose husband came home after his fifth combat tour and told her he wanted to leave their 15-year marriage because he had gotten used to being gone. It's the story of Lisa Bernreuther, who's steeling herself for her husband's sixth deployment; he's only been home from his last tour since April. She keeps his Army boots by the door, she says, "because sometimes I forget I even have a husband."
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Military families face private battles

I married into a war that ended long before I came along. It is even harder for you than it was for me because I didn't have the worry about my husband deploying. You need all the help you can get to get through all of this. Invest the time to learn so that your future does not have to be suffering instead of healing.