Married into the wars they fought?

Married into the wars they fought?
by
Chaplain Kathie

When I receive emails from a spouse of a veteran, they are kept private, but I can tell you there is a lot of heartbreaking stories out there. One of the wives I've been helping is toward the end of the struggle of getting her husband the help he's desperately needed since Vietnam. Emotionally drained after a hearing on his claim, she emailed me this morning. Answering her email, I sent this and as I typed it, it made me aware that I have not done enough to help the wives/husbands, needing support and encouragement to finish the good fight.

The wife said that at the VA she was called her husband's guardian angel. In a way, we all are when we decide to fight for them. We didn't fight the wars they did but we end up fighting to get them the care they need, holding our families and our marriages together. We married into the wars they fought.

That's exactly how I ended up using Nam Guardian Angel. A friend of mine called me that when she heard our story so long ago. I didn't think I was doing anything that earth shattering either. After all, he's my husband. The man I knew, the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with, my best friend, was hurting. What else could I do? Walk away? Then what? Christ helped me to see into his heart, beneath the pain, past the way he treated me and He kept showing me just enough glimpses of the man he really was. I did so very imperfectly as a human with needs, wants and desires of my own but Christ "allowed me to put childish things aside." This is not the marriage I wanted and not the way I thought I would spend the rest of my life.

There were times when I thought this was hell and hopeless but He managed to help me to see what the truth was and now this. This "new normal" world for us and I feel blessed I stayed all these years.

Too many others, just like you and me, wander through this hell alone. They never know there is a hand to hold onto, that forgiving is possible and healing waits ahead for them. Like the pain of childbirth, the pain they feel now will end and they will rejoice in the light of the love they have built together through the fire.

I wish I could tell you that all the emotional drain you feel right now will be over tomorrow. This may last a while but considering how long you've been emotionally drained, you have been strengthened by it. There will come a day when you just remember this pain but do not feel it anymore. It will be replaced by hope to feed your soul. There will come a day when you look at him and marvel at how far he's come and know you were a part of his healing.

Blessings upon you and your husband that the Light of the World ease your journey on this path He has set your foot upon. He knows you didn't have to follow where He lead you. You let love lead the way instead of walking away.

Deciding to stay was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make. Could I be that unselfish? Could I forgive all that he had done when PTSD was changing him so much? Could I still see him inside there under all the pain?

It's not just the changes in our relationship that were hard but the financial strain was almost unbearable. He couldn't work anymore with medications, drained by flashbacks and nightmares but his claim was still not approved. It seemed to go from bad to worse and so many nights falling down on my knees wondering how we would make it through one more day, knowing each day also brought the chance that one day would end up being the one day too many for him.

One night as I waited for him to come home, I prayed that since God could see into his heart, that if evil had taken over, that he not walk in the door. It was that bad. It had gotten to the point when even I couldn't see any resemblance of the man I fell in love with. Too many problems, too many arguments, too much of my own pain had become too much of everything bad.

He came home. By the time he walked in the door, I noticed I was not angry. I was grateful. The pain I felt inside was eased enough so that when I looked into his eyes, I realized he was still in there and God could still clearly see the man he had always been.

Astonishing to think of how bad things were for us even though I knew everything about PTSD and had been helping other veterans with their families, but there I was falling apart finding it so impossible to get through any more of it.

All these years later whenever I get an email from a spouse, usually a wife, I am taken back to those dark days and grieve for them. If I hurt that much inside with abundant faith and full knowledge of what I was dealing with, how much harder is it on them? If it hurts this bad even remembering it, what's it like for them going through it right now?

I wish I could tell all the families of our PTSD veterans changed by combat that there is hope and they can help with the healing, be part of recovery, because it is all possible, but I have to face the reality that in this huge blog world, I'm pretty insignificant. So I just do the best I can helping the people God sends my way stumbling upon me out of darkness and desperation. And I grieve with them.

When I read about another suicide I grieve because I know it was one more life that could have been saved and one more family spared the heartache if they knew what they could have done. I grieve when I read about another homeless veteran abandoned by family and society cast off into the abyss. I grieve when I read about an arrest of a veteran because flashbacks have taken control and took them back to the combat they thought they survived. Above all this, I grieve for the children as they have to watch their Dad or Mom change and live with the turmoil they will internalize because they don't understand. The price paid by military families and veterans families is astonishing but few others understand. As a nation of over 300 million, less than 10% are veterans and even less combat veterans. It's almost as if when they come home standing, the country wants to just move on expecting them to just do the same. The country can move on but they never think of the price paid for their chance to forget.

This blog is here so that if something is written about PTSD or our veterans they can all be found together. I had so little information when I first started to learn that I know the value of having it easy to find. I took comfort every time I read an article or a book on PTSD and the Internet has richly blessed all the people feeling lost and helpless. We had our 25th anniversary in September. I gather what I can and share what I have hoping one day will come when no one has to send me an email still feeling alone and lost. None of this is hopeless and we can all stop fighting these wars of the soul trying to destroy what is good and noble and worthy of love.