Can you forgive yourself for not being God

Can you forgive yourself for not being God?

by
Chaplain Kathie


When we survive a traumatic event, especially when they are caused by other humans, we end up with a lot of questions. We wonder why God didn't prevent it. What did we do wrong? Why did He let it happen? Where was God when this happened? Sooner or later we end up understanding that God does not control the freewill of others. Then we wonder why He didn't deliver on a miracle for us like He has so many other times in the past recorded in ancient books and reports from current times. Throughout the ages, there has always been suffering but at the same time constant reminders of God's graceful hand and angels rescuing humans. We want to know how they were chosen for such benevolence but we were left to feel abandoned.

We feel isolated and singled out by God until we discover others carrying the same weight around their own necks. We find support, understanding, but above all, we see others as good people suffering just like us and we know that God didn't point His finger at us, but maybe since we survived, He allowed us to survive for a reason. We discover that we did in fact survive something that very well could have ended our lives and somehow we make peace with God. We stop thinking He did it to us. We stop thinking that He abandoned us. The problem is, we can't seem to make peace with ourselves.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't I do it this way? Why was I so stupid? Why wasn't I paying attention? What's wrong with me? Once we stop wanting to fight God, the next easy target is ourselves. We get the notion in our brains that we were all so powerful we could have controlled the situation and the other person. We blame ourselves for it happening and then instead of wondering what problem God had with us, we wonder what problem we caused just by living.

A soldier will always wonder why they had to kill someone especially when the enemy they are fighting is young. They wonder why civilians had to die. They wonder why their friends had to die while they survived.

Like most humans, they get angry. They get angry over the enemy doing what they did and making them do what they ended up doing. They get angry over the fact they have to be there in the first place. They get angry over the lack of supplies, the long never ending days, the food, being dirty and over orders from their commanders. Anger also kept them alive. They carry this anger back home with them along with all the questions they keep asking themselves while they try to find whatever possible peace they can find to "get over it" and go back to the way they were before. Impossible dreams but after the trauma of combat, impossible at least is hopeful.

As days move on, months change on their calendar, they still wait to get over it and then frustration sets in. Frustration with themselves, their families and friends. They get frustrated with the government, the DoD and the VA. Anger gets stronger and they have more questions running through their minds.

Some come to the point where they understand there is nothing God cannot forgive them for and move past that crucial part of their spiritual life. Then comes the real issue. They cannot forgive themselves. The see the anger in themselves and they don't like it. They see how their families are reacting to them and how their friends are pulling away. They see that in every relationship they have there always has to be something to argue over, something to worry about and just one more time when they feel as if the world is out to get them.

Once they understand that even God does not save everyone, does not cure everyone, they finally understand that even on their best day, there was nothing more they could have done better, faster or wiser. They did what they could the best they could with what they had at that moment of terror. They may still have regrets but if they try hard enough, they manage to forgive themselves and then the real healing begins.

When experts address PTSD as an anxiety disorder, they address it with medications and then some type of therapy. Unfortunately most of the time the veteran is provided with only medication. The spiritual issues are not mentioned although evidence has shown this is a wound to a grieving soul. When there is spiritual help given in conjunction with medication and therapy, there is greater healing. The veteran learns how to forgive themselves. They are forgiven by their families and friends as they forgive them. When we leave out the spiritual part of lives when PTSD is being treated, we are eliminating the possibility of leading them toward inner peace with what was asked of them and this is leading to all we see today in our veterans suffering from PTSD.

If you ever doubted this wound is not common, read this and then see what David had in common with the veterans of today.

King James Bible Psalm 55:18
He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me.

1 Give ear to my prayer, O God; And do not hide Yourself from my supplication.

2 Give heed to me and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and am surely distracted,

3 Because of the voice of the enemy, Because of the pressure of the wicked; For they bring down trouble upon me And in anger they bear a grudge against me.

4 My heart is in anguish within me, And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

5 Fear and trembling come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me.

6 I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.

7 “Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness.

12 For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, Then I could bear it; Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, Then I could hide myself from him.

13 But it is you, a man my equal, My companion and my familiar friend;
http://biblebrowser.com/psalms/55-18.htm