PTSD, the change you can believe in

PTSD, the change you can believe in
by
Chaplain Kathie

While you can never return to the way you were before, you can end up coming out of this darkness better than you were before. Sounds impossible? It isn't impossible at all. Traumatic events change all of us.

No one is ever the same after a terrible car accident. We seem to always be on alert while driving after worried about it happening again. When once we were able to enjoy driving, we end up being angry, frustrated with the carelessness of other drivers and driving becomes something we have to do instead of what we want to do. We find excuses to stay home.

We are not the same after someone we love dies. We long for the days when they were still here, remembering what they looked like sitting in their favorite chair, the twinkle in their eye, the sound of their laugh and time we spent with them, We end up wondering who will be next to leave us especially when we've experienced the death of someone we consider "too young" to die.

When we lose everything we have in a fire, tornado, hurricane or lose our home because of a foreclosure, it becomes very hard to ever feel safe again. Our home is supposed to be the one place where we are supposed to feel safe and secure. This isn't supposed to be taken away in the blink of an eye. It is also especially hard when we are robbed and strangers have been walking around our homes, touching our things, taking what they want without regard to family heirlooms of sentimental value over cash value or how hard we had to work for the other things they decided to just take. Every sound we hear from that point on reminds us of the day our home was invaded.

Civilians face all of this in our lives but we manage to dismiss the aftermath of traumatic events when the person needing help is supposed to be facing traumatic events for a living. Firefighters are not supposed to be affected by what they see when they rush into burning homes. They are not supposed to be devastated after finding a child's body even if that child is the same age as one of their own. Police officers are not supposed to be devastated when they find the body of a child someone kidnapped and murdered. We expect them to be able to just do their jobs and get up the next day to do it all again just as we expect all emergency responders to be at their best when we need them.

When it comes the military we expect them to just do their duty and then get over it. What is worse is they expect it of themselves. They want to avoid the fact they are just like the rest of the humans on the planet.

No one is ever the same after traumatic events no matter how well they are trained, conditioned to rise above it and are prepared to face whatever danger comes their way.

A young Marine wondered why he survived when one of his friends did not. All he could see was the image of his friend's body as he stood there looking at it wondering why he was still alive. Why didn't that bomb blow him up instead since his Humvee passed over the area first? All he could remember was the aftermath and then blamed himself because he could not change the picture in his own mind. He could not see the fact he was not able to do anything to prevent it from happening. He was not able to see he did not cause it but the person deciding to put the bomb in the road did cause it.

In the case of innocents being killed the soldier will blame himself when in the chaos of the moment, it was not his intent to kill innocent people. He may have tried everything to prevent it but snap decisions putting the lives of the men he was with forced him to take action. He is left with the memory of what the outcome was, unable to see what happened before that, what was in his mind and what his intent was.

A National Guardsman wonders why his buddy right next to him was killed by a snipers bullet. Why did the sniper take aim at his friend instead of him? His friend had a wife and kids back home. He cannot see there is nothing he could have done to prevent it and he did not cause it.

What comes next after trauma depends entirely how we "see" it all. Our attitude when we remember what was determines how we heal after it or continue to grieve.

We can hang onto the anger. Anger is safe to feel. We do not think of ourselves as weak when our blood boils. We think we are in control as wanting revenge takes over our thoughts. Thinking we can do something about what happened and that will make the pain we feel go away. We want it so badly it is all we can think about. We plot and plan how to protect ourselves from ever feeling close to another human because they may die too. We put up walls around our emotions so that no one can ever become that much a part of our lives ever again thinking we can avoid this pain the next time.

No more friends to die or walk away from us. From now on they are just someone we know. No more people in our lives to love because they only bring us pain. They walk away. They refuse to understand that we are not the same in front of their eyes but are still the same trapped deep inside ourselves. We scream for help to let "us" out from behind the wall but they get angry instead. They tell us to get over it. They tell us they don't deserve the way we are treating them, but they never stop to think we don't deserve to be in the hell we are in, suffering while they want to just find blame. In the process, we in turn, cannot see the pain we are inflicting on them just because they cannot understand what we will not tell them.

Days after a traumatic event, there is some kind of predetermined time limit on what we are allowed to feel. After that, the event is supposed to be filed away in the past and we're just supposed to get on with our lives. Then instead of being a survivor of something pretty horrific, we are "milking" it, wallowing in self-pity or any number of abuses we are accused of. The stack of events in our lives this last one was stacked on top of is not supposed to factor in at all.



Giles Corey, during the Salem Witchcraft trials, had been pressed to death by stones. He asked for more weight to be added so that he would succumb quicker. He was an innocent man. As each stone was added more and more pain shot through his body. The pain was so great, he wanted to end his agony by the very same thing killing him. Pain from being piled on top of pain caused him to want to just get it over with. He saw it as his only way out of pain in this life. This is what some of our veterans go through. No matter where they turn, pain is added to pain, relief is out of their reach and hope evaporates.

In combat, these events can be so frequent they become normal as the mind tries to make sense out of all of it. Imagine being in a car accident every time you drive. While we know the risk of getting behind the wheel, getting into an accident is not something we experience every time. The accident is the exception to the "normal" day even though it is a possibility everyday.

For the troops, especially in Iraq during some of the worst times, their "normal" was facing death with each breath. It became normal to drive down a road and have an IED blow up. It became normal to be in Afghanistan on an outpost and be attacked by the Taliban. It became normal to walk into a village in Vietnam and have kids come up to you with one hand reaching out for candy while in the other they had a grenade to give you. This "combat normal" changed them.

At the same time they thought they would return back home to pick up the lives they had before, they do not want to face anything that had to do with where they were. If they don't think about it, it will go away and they can go back to the civilian normal, safe and sound at home. But the road they drive on is not safe. The driver in the car behind them is not some young kid driving too damn fast. The trash bag on the sidewalk is not just stuff someone is throwing out. It is all out of get them. Anger is fed. Trust vanishes. People they thought they could trust walk away while they hold it all in as if telling anyone would make them want to leave. They cannot understand not telling them is already making them leave.

Giles Corey is what they become when they do not seek help to heal and most of the time they do not seek it because everyone around them thinks they are guilty of some kind of witchery. After all, they are acting like they are possessed by some kind of evil changing into uncaring, self centered jerks. No one can see pain because all they see is anger coming out.

The aftermath of combat trauma is much like the aftermath of civilian trauma. Survivors walk away wondering. Why did "I survive" but someone else didn't? Even if they come to terms with that part of the event, they end up wondering where God was. Their entire lifetime of beliefs are on trail as they question everything they thought they could trust. If the God they knew as good really was good then why did He let it happen? If doing the right things for the right reasons were what God wanted, then why were they suffering?

All of this comes when they do not understand the changes within them. They believe they deserve to suffer even though they are supposed to know there is nothing they cannot be forgiven for. They believe no one will love them if they let their deepest darkest secrets out not remembering all the times in their lives when the people they loved the most were able to forgive them for everything else they did and still loved them no matter what. They believe its easier to just push them away and less painful with no one in their lives.

When they understand they are human and changed by all events in their lives, they expect to be able to heal and overcome. They rationalize the fact if they had a broken leg they would need something to lean on to walk, so leaning on someone to help them heal inside is not that unusual nor does that make them weaker. It just means they are stronger than they would be on their own and when they heal, they will help someone else walk.


It was not sent to them by God as punishment nor was it what has been often said after traumatic events "God only gives us what we can handle." God doesn't do it to us but He does give us what we need to cope with it and if we are willing, will also make us stronger. Considering the second we are born is traumatic, pushed from the safety of our mother's body, the rest of life is a series of overcoming trauma. We can come out on the other side of darkness more compassionate, more patient, more loving and yes, even more optimistic. Just as a car accident can make us more cautious driving and a better driver, we are not the same as we were before, but better.

After the death of someone we love, we can be more loving to the rest of our family treating them better than before. After we lose every possession we have, we realize that things can be replaced but the friends we have standing by our side, helping to take care of us when we need them have no price tags. Instead of wondering why you survived, you can begin to wonder what you'll do with the time you have left on this earth and stop asking why.

A very wise Chaplain turned the why asked by a hurting soul "If God Himself came and told you why it happened, would it change anything?" We cannot answer why a two year old child will die and someone else will live to over 100. Why someone dies of cancer but someone else getting the same treatment makes a full recovery. Honestly, none of us would really want to know the exact second we will die or why it will not be one second more or less. We certainly wouldn't want to know when someone we love will die either no matter how many TV shows they come up with. As for the movie 2012, if that ends up making us think more about what we do with the time we have on this earth, then that would be a good thing only if we do things for others instead of to them.

If we take our survival as more time to live, then we can think about what we can do with that time for the sake of others. With walls built to protect our emotions, good feelings were prevented from getting in. We can take that wall down brick by brick as trust returns. With nightmares we can learn to see past that image and look into what was before it then find peace with it. With flashbacks, they can lose strength as we understand the strength they have over us comes from anniversary dates and other remembrances trapped in our subconscious. We cannot change what was but we can change what is so that what will be can be better. PTSD does not have to be the end of you because you survived but can be a new beginning for a better you.