My dying dog and breaking heart

These have been very hard days for me and my family. Our Golden Retriever Brandon is at the end of his life. Tomorrow we have to have him put to sleep because after almost 14 years on this earth, his body is just too tired to go on. Up until about 6 months ago, he was very healthy and happy, but we could see he was deteriorating soon after an illness weakened him. He is the reason I have not been posting very much. I've been playing nurse 24/7. Selfishly, we want him to stay with us but knowing he is suffering, my heart is breaking.

When you talk to people they are either very understanding because they love their own pets or they are very cruel passing off the loss as if it is nothing to even spend time talking about. They fail to understand for most pet families, they are part of the family. When they are young, we teach them how to do everything, how to use the outdoors or a cat box instead of how to us a toilet. We make sure the house is pet safe instead of baby proof, removing anything that can hurt them, at the same time trying to make sure they can't destroy things in the house. We take them for check-ups and shots, buy them food we think will make them happy as well as healthy. We make sure we are up at a certain time to let them out so they can "do their business" walk them, feed them at the same time and end the day the same way we woke up, with them on our minds.

They give us unconditional love. They don't care if we brushed our hair but love it when we brush their's. When we are treated like crap by other people, they are there to lick our tears away. They don't care if we have money as long as their favorite toy that's falling apart has not been tossed out without being replaced. They don't care about anything that is not really important but care deeply for their family.

The first time I saw Brandon, he was in a pet store window with a Yellow Lab. He stood up on his hind legs and his front paws spread out walking toward the Yellow Lab like Frankenstein and pounced on the Lab without hurting him. Brandon ended up getting decked by the Lab. I fell in love. Our daughter wanted a Golden like the one she saw on Punkie Brewster. After seeing him, I returned to the pet store, paid cash for most of the cost but had to finance part of the price. I walked around the store with Brandon in my arms, dropping him more times than I can remember because even at about two months old, he was a huge Golden. I brought him home in my arms. From that day on, I have never once been able to repay him for the love he gave to all of us.

Gentle Giant is what my neighbors back home called him. We used to take a walk in the woods where he could run free. He knew as soon as we reached the gate, his leash came off and he was free. Brandon was obedient. As soon as I called him, he'd run right back. Kids loved him even with his size and they would wait patiently until he sat so they could hug him. Naturally, he'd be all excited. He even kissed a horse in the woods as I talked to the owner.

The only problem with the woods was that Golden's love water. There was a reservoir in the woods supplying drinking water and the city put a $50.00 fine on any wet dog. With my luck and taking him there everyday, I knew he'd end up costing me that fine everyday, so I trained him to stay out of the water. It worked a bit too well.

One time we went on vacation and he went to stay with a tech from the veterinarian's office. She had two dogs and took them to a pond near where she lived. When I called to check on Brandon, she was angry. She couldn't understand why a Golden would be crying by the edge of the water refusing to go in. Then she couldn't believe a dog would be trained so well that he would obey without me there.

When we moved to Florida, we couldn't get him to go into the pool. We kept trying so that he knew it would be ok, but even though I told him he could, he just wouldn't do it. That is until one day, I was floating around the pool and went to the side. He put his two front paws on my as his back legs ended up pushing him. That's how he ended up on top of me in this picture. It's probably the only day he was in the pool in five years except one time when he fell in.


I can remember almost every day like this with him in our home, never far from my thoughts. Most times when I was working on the computer, he'd be right behind me on the office floor. As soon as I signed off of AOL, he'd hear good-bye, then he'd get up and leave knowing soon I would follow him.

I've cried more times than I can remember on his shoulders when things got too hard. Now I'm crying because things have gotten too hard for him. I brought him home in my arms and tomorrow I'll take him for the last time in my arms even though he's close to 90 pounds even as age has worn him down.

Please understand that while I haven't been focused on the PTSD work online, I have still been working, but very limited. Brandon needs me now to comfort him. Tomorrow will be very hard but I'll be back working online as soon as I can. If you have a pet or lost a pet, don't let anyone tell you they are not important because no one can tell you what lives in your own heart.