Time to be first for now

by
Chaplain Kathie

When God sent your soul to live here with us, He prepared you for what it was you were intended to do. You chose to be a servant, risking your life for the sake of others, as a fireman, National Guardsman, emergency responder and the courage you need is within you. When you chose to be a police officer or enter into the military, again, you are equipped with what you need to do what you were intended to do. Yet just as you were given tools, education and prepared to do it, you did it all as a human with the same needs, the same emotions and compassion as the people you were prepared to help.

You made up your mind to be last on your list of people to take care of. Anyone in danger came first, no matter what you had going on in your own life. You became last. Yet when you have gone through too much, too much pain inside of you, too much weight on your shoulders, you find it very hard to stop being last to be helped.

Do you look at the people you help any differently? Do they become less than you because they need you? Are they less worthy of your help? So how is it that you suddenly think that you are less worthy of someone helping you now? Do you think you can keep helping people as your own life falls apart? Do you think that you are in any position to help anyone as you want to scream, run, cry or hide? You can't help anyone. Neither can I.

I am going though a very difficult time right now. It's very hard to hang onto hope that tomorrow will be better, that miracles can still happen, that someone will be there to pick me up when I fall. I am drained of hope, my self worth is about as low as it can get and yes, I'm tired of feeling as if I'm supposed to have all the answers when apparently, since I ended up in the state I'm in, I certainly don't know as much as I thought I was supposed to know. What I do know is that if I expect people to come to me and let me help them, then I should be able to let them help me when I need it. Otherwise, I cannot ever return to helping anyone else again.

When you are a warrior, you act as if your life does not matter. For seconds, facing danger, it doesn't matter as much as someone else's life. When you are a caregiver, again, your life, needs and wants, are secondary. We keep thinking about what we can do or should be doing for someone else, even though we are in need. Without getting the help we need, what we end up giving to others is just not our best. We are not as much good to them as we would be if we healed ourselves first.

Knowing the pain we carry will help us to understand the pain others are in. It doesn't matter what kind of pain it is, but it does matter how we deal with it, experience it and share it. We could experience the death of someone we love, but still understand the pain someone feels going through a divorce. We could find ourselves out of a job but still be able to understand someone that was rich facing bankruptcy. How we react to their need depends on where we are spiritually and emotionally at that moment.

In crisis intervention we are trained to take care of our own families first and make sure we had what we need to sustain us for several days. This is done so that we are not torn between our responsibility and our families. It is also so that we do not suffer in need at the time we are needed. We are responding mostly to emergency responders to be there to take care of them because they are taking care of others first. It is the same thing when we are dealing with our own lives. Being prepared to do what is asked of us is great but first we have to acknowledge that we are in need of things too.

Trust me, the hardest thing to do when you are a servant is to take care of yourself. I keep wanting to rush back onto the computer the way I am right now instead of resting and taking care of what I am going through, but I'm sure you've noticed the lower postings here. I know that if I do not take care of myself, get past all of this, then I won't be any good to anyone else.

Be normal first and stop putting yourself last all the time or you won't be any good to anyone else.