Wounded Times: PTSD:Veterans' step wives

Step one=avoid
Avoid any acknowledgement there is something out of the ordinary you are face to face with. "What you don't know won't hurt you" becomes your attitude when you know deep inside you really should find out what is going on with someone you love.

Step two=find excuses
Military and citizen soldiers leave families with wives having to suddenly become single parents with enough to worry about. They find excuses to not even consider what your spouse is going through on a daily basis. While you face doing everything you had to do while they were home, you then have to take on what they used to do until they come back home. The burdens on your shoulders weighs you down, making you believe you have enough to worry about each day so anything else to worry about will just have to wait. You don't want to know what they can bring home with them buried inside of them. Besides all that, they never want to tell you what's going on anyway.

Step three=ignore
Ignore them being a "changed" person when they return home. Tell yourself they will "get over it" and then go back to normal. Ignore the fact they are drinking more than normal for them, smoking a lot more, sleeping a lot less, laughing less while being angry more and how they are avoiding all the people in their lives they are supposed to love.

Step four=blame
Blame them for acting the way they do. Blame yourself for the way they are treating you. Blame anything and anyone for what is happening between you and your spouse, but above all, find excuses to not look past anything really obvious. Whenever anyone uses the term PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you tend to block your ears so that you don't hear anything you don't want to hear instead of understanding what you do not know will not only hurt you but them as well.

Step five=shame
Becoming ashamed of them because they act like they are uncaring jerks. Ashamed of them drinking too much or doing drugs. Ashamed of the financial mess you end up with as they make irrational purchasing decisions. Ashamed when they twitch and others notice it. You find excuses for why they no longer want to attend family gatherings or do anything with you or the kids. Ashamed because you believe there is no hope in saving your marriage as you think of divorce as the only option. Final step in this shame is that you believe it is your fault at the same time your ego struggles with blaming them.

Step six=hopelessness
You believe there is no reason to hope any of it will get any better.

Step seven=coming to terms
This is the final step where you come to terms with what is happening in your life as a spouse of a veteran. This is the crossroad where either you plan on ending it or plan on fighting it. Either you put yourself and your own needs first, close your eyes to the pain in their eyes or you remember what they were like before they deployed and decide to find out what you can do to help them.

No easy answers here. It depends entirely on you. Do you have the same compassion you used to have to even attempt to help them or are you so self-absorbed all you can focus on is you at this moment in your life?

Finding out what has happened inside of them is vital to healing them and your relationship. It will also determine your future.

Living with them comes down to what is in your soul and their soul. If you understand where it is all coming from, you will end up having a better life than if you simply walk away. Even if you do end up getting divorced, you can end up with peace inside of you or hatred if you never learn anything.

All of this can be avoided if you have taken the time to learn what happens to at least one of out three exposed to traumatic events, especially when they are combat veterans. The knowledge you have will end up getting them help as soon as possible because part of their issue is denial. They also avoid facing it. You need to know when they need help so that you can support them in getting it. If you know nothing, as a simple human, you will end up trying to find reasons everywhere but where it all came from, and that, that is combat itself.

A spouse will often say that they have enough to worry about when they are risking their lives. This is true however avoiding finding out what PTSD is means you are asking for trouble when they do come home. You cannot remove danger from them while they are in Iraq or Afghanistan any more than we could have removed them from danger in Kuwait, Somalia, Vietnam, Korea or any other nation during the world wars. What you can do is arm yourself to fight the enemy they end up brining home inside of them just as determined to kill them. When they come home, it's your job to defend them, fight for them and watch their backs.

When they have a nightmare, don't shake them awake or you'll end up with a bloody nose or black eye, then you may call the police because you think you've just been abused. This can be avoided if you knew that nightmare they were having took them back to dangerous times and they had no clue where they were or who you were in that moment. This is one thing you can learn among many. Knowledge can help them heal and make their lives easier or lack of it can end up harming them and you more.

It's up to you what you do. I once was a "step wife" as I learned as much as possible about what PTSD was. Then I became a veteran wife. As of last month, we've been married 25 years. We got there with love, knowledge and faith. So can you if you understand it before it's too late.

Here are three links to videos I did about them coming home. Stop avoiding being a step wife and be a veteran wife for real because no one else knows them as well as you do and they need you to pay attention.