Taking a few days off

Today is our 25th anniversary and I'm taking a few days off. I need it and I pray to God that when I get back on, the next days will take away wanting to cry all the time. I can't believe I've gone this long without smoking but Lord it's hard. I can't sleep when I should sleep. I end up sleeping during the day instead and I don't know who I am anymore. My friends tell me that the loss of "me" will be replaced by something close to the "me" I used to know but different because the chemicals will return to normal balance. So far, I don't like me very much right now. I quit smoking on September 12. I thought I'd be a lot better by now.


Yet even with all of this I can still see the hand of God in this marriage of mine. 25 years! So many times I thought it would end, but God kept giving me what I needed to make it day to day when PTSD was doing it's best to claim my husband. God gave him an amazing character that still allowed his compassion to come out, reminding me, the man I loved was still there.

So many times I wanted to give up trying to make sure other families made it too, like I'm going through right now, but God always reminds me of why I do what I do. Nothing is hopeless unless we stop trying.

I wish I could be more "Chaplain" like right now. I'm only human, struggle with faith and wondering what to do just like everyone else. I don't have all the answers, run out of patience and yes, allow fear to come into my life, but these days of darkness with Satan's foot in the way, do pass. I pray when I come back on, these dark days are behind me so that I can get back to focusing on my work and not myself.