Woman finds way to help following her own tragedy

We all play the "what if" game after things happen and wonder what we could have done differently, said differently to prevent it, especially when someone commits suicide.

A neighbor back home in Massachusetts, went to wake up her son for work and found him hanging in his closet. She had no idea he was in such pain emotionally. No one in the family did. His friends didn't know. They all looked back asking "what if" and wondering what they missed. He didn't let them know. He hid it well.

My husband's nephew, another Vietnam vet, was the same age as my husband. He knew what I did with PTSD and veterans, but no matter how hard I tried to talk to him, he just wouldn't listen. I kept trying, wondering what I was saying wrong, or not saying, wondering how I could reach him. He committed suicide because he had given up. His girlfriend was a therapist. She was lost after this happened and wondering what she missed, what she could have done differently and so was I. The truth is, I still wonder and play the "what if" games in my head. His death still affects everyone.

We can't reach everyone but we can try. We can do the best we can, listen to them, be there for them, try to get them to talk, but we cannot force them. Sometimes I think we are always looking for that magic word that will open their mind and unlock the hold darkness has on them. Wanting to find the key is not the same as finding it and then we are left with regret even though we did all we could.

I still want to save everyone, but I know I can't. No one really can and experts tell us to focus on those we save. While comforting enough to keep doing this work, it is the losses that hang on.

When someone in your life commits suicide, you need support too. It is a shock. You do not come past any of this unchanged. Acknowledge that. Talk to someone you trust and if not, then talk to a professional. Above all, understand that you are not God and do not know everything, nor are you expected to. We all do the best we can in that moment with what we understood in that moment and we cared enough to try.

Dealing with suicide
Woman finds way to help following her own tragedy
By R.E. Spears III (Contact) Suffolk News-Herald

Published Saturday, August 29, 2009

Russell Neblett was a well-respected man in the Suffolk’s Bethlehem community.

A deacon and Sunday School teacher at Bethlehem Christian Church, he had led a youth group with his wife, Therese for several years. He was a member and past president of the Bethlehem Ruritan Club.

He was a devoted father, encouraging his two sons and one daughter through years of baseball, piano, band, field hockey and soccer.

“We had a love that most couples don’t have these days,” Therese recalls. Her husband, always a bit of a joker, would send her flowers each Groundhog Day, just to be different from all the other husbands who would be sending their wives flowers on Valentine’s Day.

Somehow, shockingly, everything fell apart on May 10, 2008.

That was the day that Neblett’s wife came home and found him dead by his own hand in a recliner.

For Therese and her children, the months that have followed have been a struggle. They’ve tried to understand what was going on in Russell Neblett’s mind when he shot himself. They’ve tried to overcome feelings of anger and guilt.

The wounds left on the survivors have often been kept fresh by the constant picking of “What if … ?” in the backs of their minds, especially for the woman he left widowed after 31 years of marriage.
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http://www.suffolknewsherald.com/news/2009/aug/29/dealing-suicide/