Counsel for a Marine’s mother

Counsel for a Marine’s mother
By Terri Barnes, Special to Stars and Stripes
Stars and Stripes Scene, Sunday, August 2, 2009
Q. My 22-year-old son, a Marine, came back from nine months in Iraq and now will not even speak to me. My son who left for Iraq came back very different. I raised him, practically by myself, sacrificed for him and gave him the best upbringing I could. He never went hungry, dirty or did without. He was fine before he left and while he was there. He called me from Iraq a couple of times and sent e-mails back and forth.

I don’t know what happened to change him like this. I do know that he suffers from (post-traumatic stress disorder) and he was in a dangerous zone there, but why has he turned on me, his mother?

He came back from Iraq and two months later, he married a girl he barely knew that he met up with on MySpace while in Iraq.

Has anyone else heard of a case like this? My son still keeps in contact with his high school friends also, but not me. This has broken my heart. The pain is indescribable.
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Counsel for a Marine mother

The advice given on Spouse Calls by Terri Barnes was good on two levels. First she told the Marine Mom to get counseling for herself. The other level was that she shared her own story with the Marine Mom. Barnes also told her to learn what PTSD is. This is something everyone should learn at the very least, so they can pass on the information especially to other military families.

PTSD is a wound that cuts into emotions. Love is one of the targets. They end up pushing away the people that loved them the most, knew them best, because they no longer feel like they are the same person. Inside the old person is still there but they cannot find "themselves" in their own skin.

Sons push away parents. Daughters push away parents. Spouses push away wives/husbands. At a time when they needed these people most in their lives, they push them out of their lives. Most will say that they don't want the other person to know what's inside of them. They fear the person they love the most will end up hating them so it's easier to just push them away first.

Even more complicated is the "need" they have to be loved is working in the opposite direction. Serial marriages are part of it. They can hide the pain they have for a while as the fantasy of a "new life" fills them with false hope that this time things will be different. This time they will be happy. This time they will be loved. Sometimes the flashbacks don't seem as strong or hit as often. Other times the nightmares may stop coming every night. The "honeymoon" stage wears off and it all comes back. Depending on the understanding of the spouse and the ability they have to cope with PTSD in their lives, this can either help the veteran or quickly end another marriage.

The VA is seeing a lot of older veterans seeking help for the first time with PTSD. Part of the reason is they are finally understanding what has been going on inside of them all along because of outreach efforts and media attention. The most striking reason is that they are no longer working having retired. When they went to work after WWII, Korea, Vietnam and the Gulf War, they sunk themselves into their jobs avoiding any focus on the changes in them. They became "workaholics" focusing on work alone. Every time the demons of combat began to strike, they avoided dealing with any of them and quickly changed their focus onto work. Work was not remembering "who they were inside" before combat. It didn't demand love they couldn't really feel as much as they wanted to. Distant and detached from the rest of the family, they grew accustomed to the reactions or lack of reactions.

Once they retire, there is nothing to hide behind. They are forced to see what has been there all along.

In other cases, it is not so much hiding their emotions in work, but mild PTSD striking full force after suffering emotionally. Secondary traumas or "secondary stressors" strike without warning. It is the one "too many times" assault on their emotions. It could be the loss of a spouse, parents, children, an accident, a natural disaster or crime sending mild PTSD into PTSD on steroids.

A WWII veteran, lived his life as a professional, long term married believing he had a good life. He was a lawyer. He wouldn't talk about WWII except to tell impersonal accounts or funny stories. One night his apartment was broken into. That was all it took. Nightmares stuck and flashbacks invaded. Every sound became someone else wanting to break in. Doors and windows were constantly checked. Alarms were put in as fear took hold.

These traumatic events in lives already assaulted by PTSD become a living hell.

They hope if they close their eyes and shut their ears it will all go away. They escape what They do not want to face with whatever they can find. Drugs, alcohol, work, new love, driving too fast, dangerous sports, pushing away people once close to them and seeking others they feel nothing for is all safety in the storm for them.

Believing if they do not feel anything, they will feel no more pain at the same time they want to feel all the good they used to feel.

If people in their lives do not know what is happening, there is a sense of wondering taking hold. We blame ourselves, wonder what we did wrong or what we did not do at all. It eats away at us like this Marine Mom wondering why her son has pulled away from her. It happens all the time. When it comes to PTSD, what we do not know can destroy us, eat away at our self confidence and change us to the point where we can't recognized who we are. Often living with PTSD in our homes can cause what is called Secondary PTSD. That comes from all the chaos and confusion living on the roller coaster ride of emotions out of control in the other person. If we know what is behind all of it, it gives us tools to cope and respond in the right way so that emotional turmoil does not escalate. Again, everyone should learn what PTSD especially if you are involved with someone in the military or a veteran. Knowledge could end up saving "you" instead of leaving everything you were sure of behind.