New Rules for PTSD, Stop, look and listen

by
Chaplain Kathie

When you are too busy with what you have to do, looking for what you need or want and seeing your veteran as anything but a partner, you have a bigger problem than you think.

When it comes to PTSD, wives and family members are on the front line of this battle to keep them alive. That's right. It's a battle for us to wage because they cannot fight for themselves. That part inside of them has been held captive by PTSD. We need to do the fighting when they come home.

I had to fight when I met my husband because he couldn't.

First rule, stop. Stop trying to find excuses for why they act differently. You would have had to live under a rock to not pay any attention at all to what happens in combat. You already know the answer. What they had to go through did a number on all of them. It's up to how well you know them, know what they were like, to fully understand if they are not "getting over it" or need more help than you can give. Love can't heal PTSD even though it does help, you still need to have them evaluated to find out what is really going on. Don't assume anything.

Second rule, look. Look at what they do and hear what they say. Is it out of character for them? Are they drinking more? Do you suspect drug use? Do they have drastic mood swings? Nightmares? Flashbacks? Did they stop taking care of themselves as far as personal appearance? PTSD has signs and it's up to us to notice them. The problem is you need to know what they are or you may end up seeing something that is not there or overlooking something that is staring you right in the face.

Third rule, listen. Be there to listen to what they say, how they say it and even listen to what they are not saying. Sounds like a crazy notion but it's important. Are they detached from what is going on in the home? Are they paying attention to conversations? Are they forgetting what was just said? Do they avoid things they used to enjoy and tell you "I just don't feel like it" without giving a real, reasonable reason? Are they snapping back in anger irrationally? Are they talking in their sleep especially during a nightmare? Did they stop telling you things they used to say all the time, like I love you, you look nice, the meal was great or suddenly act as if they are not paying attention at all?

All of these are parts of warning signs for PTSD. Pay attention just as you would when your children were growing up. You would watch every step they took to make sure their legs were ok, their balance was ok. You would watch the way they would take things to make sure their eyes were working fine, their brain was learning and to see how well they were developing. You paid close attention to them when they could not talk to you and tell you something was wrong. It was up to you to notice it all. Well, it's the same thing when they have PTSD. Most of the time they cannot tell you what's wrong because they don't understand it themselves. Other times they are afraid because they don't understand it well enough. There are times when they are in such denial they don't see any of the changes in themselves. There are also times when they think they are getting away with hiding it from you. It's up to you to pay attention and get them the help they need to heal. The sooner they begin, the sooner your whole family heals as well.