NJ:Military counselors travel the state to prepare families for returning soldiers

Military counselors travel the state to prepare families for returning soldiers
by Judy Peet and Tomas Dinges/The Star-Ledger
Sunday May 17, 2009, 11:02 AM
Each time the baby of a New Jersey Army National Guardsman is born, the department sends a baby blanket. Since last June, when nearly 3,000 New Jersey troops left for a yearlong deployment, the Guard sent out 30 blankets.

These 30 newborns are among scores of Guardsmen's children who have had to spend a year without their father or mother. Now the soldiers are coming home.


Nobody is sure exactly when, but the return of New Jersey's largest deployment since World War II is expected to start shortly after Memorial Day. Unlike other wars in other times, these soldiers will get more legal, financial and psychological support than any returning troops in U.S. history.

What they may not immediately receive, however, is one of the things they dreamed about most: Their child's hug.

Of all the uncertainties associated with returning to civilian life after a year in a combat zone, perhaps the least predictable is how the children will react.

"You give me an age and I'll give you a problem the kids experienced when their father came home," said Randi Cairns, 39, of East Brunswick, who raised four children through her husband's three deployments. "The thing I've learned is: Never underestimate the impact on the children."

For months, military counselors have traveled throughout the state, preparing families for what to expect from the children when their loved ones return from the desert.

Anger, joy, fear, neediness, resentment, relief, indifference, temper, passivity, laughter, tears.

Pick an emotion, experts say, and a Guard child somewhere in New Jersey will likely feel it over the next few months.

From the toddler who has no idea who that man in the uniform is to the 16-year-old who took on extra responsibility and may not want to give it up, Guard spouses are in for a bumpy ride that may take months to smooth out, experts say.

"We normally think of a joyous reunion, but that may not be the case, especially after the initial 'thank goodness' wears off," said Rutgers psychology professor Maurice J. Elias. "Kids will frankly be almost as destabilized when a parent returns home as when the parent leaves."

Unlike regular military, the "civilian soldiers" of the National Guard do not have the support of living on a military base, where every parent understands the sacrifice of active duty and every child's friend is another soldier's child, experts said.

The Guard families live in urban areas and suburbia, where -- despite supportive neighbors -- they are often the only family on the block or in school whose parent was called away by military service. Adding to the burden is the fact that, for two out of three New Jersey Guardsmen who served in Iraq this past year, it was their first tour of duty.
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New Jersey Army National Guardsman