Three P's of coping with PTSD

Aside from the knowledge of what PTSD is and does to the veteran, there are three basic things you need to remember while trying to live with them as they heal. First, let me give you some hope that it does get better. Our 25th anniversary is this year. You can do it but it takes a lot of work and has to come from love. If you began your marriage as friends, then you have the foundation to help you thru all of it and build on that. If you married someone you wanted to change or they wanted to change you, then you're on shaky ground, so that will require a lot more work from both of you.

In the beginning of my husband's PTSD worsened by a secondary stressor that sent his mild PTSD over the edge, we went thru it all. I had to learn more about PTSD than I ever thought I wanted to learn, do a lot of soul searching to see if I even wanted to go on with him and made most of the mistakes a person could make. I found there are three coping skills that help, coincidentally all beginning with the letter P.

First came prayer. No, don't try to pass this one off. It is vital to your sanity and strength to get thru the worst times. You cannot do this on your own but finding your faith and placing trust in God when you cannot trust them, assures you that you are not alone. You can find inner peace even in the worst of times as you wonder where all the calmness came from when normally you'd be ready to pull your hair out or scream until you lose your voice. Find a quiet time to pray, usually early in the morning before all the chaos of the day gets out of control. You can pray while you're driving and I'm not talking about praying for a parking space or trying to remember a Bible verse you memorized in Sunday school as a child. I'm talking about having a real conversation from your soul directly to God's ears. Tell Him what you have on your mind, your heart aches and what you hope for. Ask Him for the help you need and be ready when it comes even if it was not what you had in mind. He'll take it from there if you let him.

Once you are used to opening up to God, keeping in mind that He knows all you have going on inside of you, good and bad, plus what is in your heart, then comes the second P, which is patience. You need to remember what is important and let the things that are not that important go. Is it important that your spouse attend and event with you or is it more important to you that you attend it? Then let your spouse stay home without anger. Invite them to go with you all the time but then keep your plans if they don't want to. Trying to force them will make both of you angry and ruin what could be a good time for you to enjoy something. Take all the times you can spend enjoying something as often as you can to restore your strength and allow yourself to hear your own voice laughing again. Spend time with the kids, even if you have to take them to a place their other parent used to take them to so they are also able to enjoy something they love to do.

I didn't like to bowl. Our daughter was young at the time but she enjoyed the times her father took her bowling. I started to take her when he wouldn't, or couldn't, gritting my teeth and sucking it up for the first few times then ended up having fun with her as she talked on the way home about her score. I ended up liking it and had fun doing it. By the time we got back home, we were happy and even closer. Over time, he began to ask if we had a good time and he wanted to hear all about it. There were many times after when he came with us and we did something as a family. The key was patience with him and no hostile emotions he could pick up on.

You need patience when they forget things. Short term memory loss is a huge issue. Remind them of everything or have them keep notes so they can remember and if they forget why you are reminding them, then yes, you have to remind them they have short term memory loss. If you have the right attitude you'll think this is pretty funny when you think about it. It helps to ease the tension.

The third P is practice. Just as you had to learn to do new things when you first got married, messed up while learning, practice patience and prayer. Neither of these come automatically. You will make mistakes, get too angry when you shouldn't but considering your only human, give yourself a break because you're trying. You get better at it but you don't get perfect at it. The more you know about what comes with PTSD, the better you understand why they act the way they do or react the way they do. What we do defines the outcome. If we blow things out of proportion, things escalate and tiny disagreement can turn into a full blown shouting match. Save your battles for the big issues and let the little things go. Ask yourself how important is it that you win this argument at this moment.

When they say or do things that hurt your feelings, remember they feel so lousy about themselves, often they turn that into something about you. They say horrible things in a fight or flight reaction believing if they push you away, it will make them feel better. Stand your ground and understand where it's coming from. Let them know they are worth fighting for but you won't tolerate more than you can take. Do it without anger and without blaming yourself for the way they act because it isn't your fault. It isn't totally their fault either but has more to do with PTSD and what it is doing to them.

Try to keep a sense of humor as much as possible. It helps to relieve some of the stress on your shoulders. Recently I reminded a wife that her husband is not "normal" anymore and she laughed. She said he never has been and that's what she loved about him. There is no "normal" when you are in the middle of a roller coaster ride of emotional twists and turns coming without warning. One moment they are just having a conversation about what to have for dinner and the next moment they are talking about divorce. Just ask them if they want one before or after you have dinner and then get back to the subject. If you take what they do personally, then your hurt feelings will end up getting in the way of acknowledging you are no longer talking to the "same person" you married but a different version of them. They are not the same but neither are you. What them bring home ends up changing you. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and wonder where I went. I'd think about how I used to be happy until I understood that I was the one making myself miserable. It was too easy to blame my husband and PTSD than face the fact that I was not practicing what I preached.

While they are getting all the help from the DOD or the VA, you need help too, so try to find a support group so that you can share your experiences with someone walking in your shoes. You can learn from them and they can learn from you as your gain strength from the support of others. If you can't find a support group, then confide in someone that understands what PTSD is because too often well meaning friends with no knowledge offer the wrong advice.

Remember, you're also in need of help so don't be afraid to ask and try the three P's to begin with.