Military Spouse, do you want to save your marriage?

by Chaplain Kathie

Well do you? When my generation was welcoming home the veterans of Vietnam, we had an excuse. No one knew what PTSD was. No one had the opportunity to find the information you now have available. We didn't know what caused the roller-coaster ride of emotions, angry outbursts, sudden silence, flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia, "patrolling the perimeter" checking all the doors and windows in a nightly ritual, jumping out of their skin with the sound of something dropping or freak out with fireworks. Never mind what the sound of a helicopter did. We had an excuse to walk away from our marriages because of all that and the self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. After all, we're just as human as everyone else and we want a happy life with the person we fell in love with. When they come home with PTSD it's like looking into the eyes of a stranger.

The problem is, with this generation it's not lack of resources, it's lack of will. Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for 26 years and I would have given anything to have the kind of information all of you have now. I had to hunt for it before there were computers in every home and my butt still hurts from the library seats. I didn't have people from all over the country reaching back to me and offering support. You all have it and much more than I ever dreamt of but do you use it? Do you attend any of the presentations about PTSD, join the groups or research it? No. I can't count how many times I've heard "I have enough to worry about" because you don't want to think about what they can come home with. That leaves you totally unprepared to save your marriage, help your spouse and your kids adapt to what could have become what I have. I have a marriage that has lasted 24 years for several reasons. First, I adored my husband when PTSD was mild. He was my best friend. The bond was there when he got worse. I knew what PTSD was and that gave me what I needed to get up one day after another ready to make it from one second to the other. I also had a tremendous amount of faith and was able to hang onto hope and be able to keep forgiving instead of hanging onto the pain.

If you still don't want to know what PTSD is and what you can do to keep your marriage together, then you don't deserve them. If you can walk away without doing everything you can to understand them and help them, then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Then you can face your kids and tell them that their other parent changed because they got sick and you turned your back on them "because they were too hard to live with" and explain to them why it was that you raised your kids when they were hard to live with but didn't walk away from them.

Now, I'm not saying that every marriage can be saved and frankly there are some that are beyond help. There have been some very dangerous situations when they come home and they are a danger to others. In those cases, there is the need to be safe first. I still want those families to know what PTSD is so they can explain it to their children and help them understand it had nothing to do with them. Help them find compassion and forgiveness for their sake. It will also help you to forgive yourself because you will know it wasn't your fault either.

If you love them then invest the time in understanding them. Avoiding the knowledge leads to very unhappy endings.

Senior Chaplain Kathie "Costos" DiCesare
International Fellowship of Chaplains
Namguardianangel@aol.com
http://www.namguardianangel.org/
http://www.woundedtimes.blogspot.com/
www.youtube.com/NamGuardianAngel
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington

Divorces rise among military couples
USA Today - USA
By Gregg Zoroya, USA TODAY
WASHINGTON — Enlisted soldiers and Marines divorced their spouses at a higher rate in fiscal 2008 than at any time in at least 16 years, according to Pentagon data released Tuesday.
Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has warned that stress among military families remains intense after years of multiple combat deployments and lengthy separations.

Many soldiers saw their combat tours extended to 15 months in 2008; many of them returned for only about a year at home before facing another deployment. The strain has also been reflected in a record number of suicides in the Army, which military doctors blame largely on relationships damaged by lengthy deployments.

Mental health problems, particularly post-traumatic stress disorder and depression, are also occurring in greater numbers, according to Pentagon data. Army and Marine forces have been involved in more combat in Iraq and Afghanistan than other services branches.

About 4% of married enlisted troops in both the Army and Marines, or 8,842 GIs and 2,842 Marines, obtained divorces during fiscal 2008, the numbers show.
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