PTSD, hope and forgiveness

Spouse Calls:
PTSD, hope and forgiveness
By Terri Barnes, Stars and Stripes
Stars and Stripes Scene, Sunday, October, 19 2008



Post traumatic stress syndrome is part of the fallout of war. Toxic and sometimes deadly, it forever changes the lives of its sufferers and their loved ones. Some military families survive these injuries of heart and mind. These families possess an extraordinary measure of devotion, which they express through love and acceptance.

An Army wife named Ann posted this comment on the Spouse Calls blog:

I was reading the blog about the woman who, after 12 years of marriage, divorced her husband because he came back from Iraq angry and mean. I know how she felt. Mine came back the same way, nothing I did or said was good enough for him.

One day he crossed the line. He put his hands on me. Two days in jail, $3,500, and two months later he is attending anger management classes, seeing a personal counselor.

We are in marriage counseling, and he still apologizes. Everyone tells me to run, get out while I can — no forgiveness. But for most, they do not understand why he is so angry and mean.

He does not understand why he is so angry, either. His counselor diagnosed him with PTSD and depression. He stopped drinking. That was only adding to the problems.

Even more important to it all, he started talking to God again — one thing that he stopped doing after his first tour to Iraq. He believed he was no longer worthy of forgiveness, and his actions would never be forgiven.

We forget that the Army takes our loved ones and turns them into mass murderers, with no conscience or hope. We forget that they either find God or turn their backs on Him. They become a large ball of anger and hate that only sleeps, eats, and does what it is told. They have no other way of living and forget that there is something other than war.
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Vietnam veterans' wives had the same issues. While their hair is a bit grayer and their bellies a bit larger, there isn't much difference between the Vietnam veterans and the veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. Their struggles and what they bring home after combat is the same as it always was since the beginning of time.

The heart of the warrior is tugged between duty and humanity. They are trained to do what they do, prepared to find the courage within them but none of them are trained to really heal from what they had to endure.

24 years ago I married the Vietnam war when I married my love. Within all of these years, there has been many times when I had to forgive him for what he did and could not do, for what he said and what he could not say. Understanding what PTSD is helped me to not only understand the root of all of this but helped me to forgive him and myself.

If I think about it long enough, I can remember all the times when he did things totally out of character, but I've learned to live for today. I've learned to forgive and not allow memories to get in the way of what is and was good between us. I won't rehash what I've already written at this point but if you want to know what 18 years of a marriage with PTSD is, you can read it right from this blog on the side bar. Just look for Free Book, For the Love of Jack, and know that it is not just the veteran wounded by war but the people who love them as well.

For the 26 years I've done outreach work with veterans, one of the most telling statements they make is that they have a problem with their connection to God. No matter what faith they claim as their own, their humanity still wages war with war itself. They have a hard time thinking that God can forgive them as well as finding the ability to forgive themselves for what they had to do and what they could not prevent.

If any marriage can survive, we are an example of how it can be done. I do not resent him for any of what we had to go through any more than I would regret the decision I made to stay. Today I see him as a man who has overcome so much to be at the point he is at today. His strength of character and courage to fight the wound eating away at him has returned him to a state of "life" living a life instead of just existing in it.

There are still times when I say to him "Can't stand ya!" because some of the PTSD issues are extremely frustrating. Short term memory loss and paranoia cause him to look for things to worry about but I get over it easier than I did in the beginning. That came from understanding and practice.

When a spouse contacts me I explain that most of what they are going through is all part of PTSD. Once they understand why they act the way they do, they find it easier to cope within the marriage, but above all, forgive. When we are able to forgive them, they find it easier to forgive themselves but when they believe within their soul God has forgiven them for whatever they feel they need to be forgiven for, miracles happen.

I am not advocating staying in a marriage that has become dangerous. Whenever a spouse is in danger, they do need to remove themselves from the danger. This does not mean they have to remove themselves from the veteran entirely. They need to understand what PTSD once they are in a safe place out of danger so that they will not spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves for any of it. They can also forgive the veteran which is also important because carrying around the anger is not good for anyone. Even after a divorce has taken place, the spouse should understand how much this wound played a role in what happened to their marriage.

I've seen families restored and relationships rebuilt between veteran and child. This also helps the children to understand that they had little to do with the way the veteran acted. Understanding helps them heal their own wound of feeling less worthy of a parent's love.

In all of this understanding is enabling the one thing ignorance cannot provide. Forgiveness.

Senior Chaplain Kathie Costos
International Fellowship of Chaplains
Namguardianangel@aol.com
www.Namguardianangel.org
www.Woundedtimes.blogspot.com
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington