Suicide of 20-year-old Marine a sadly common tale

Suicide of 20-year-old Marine a sadly common tale
In a report on the death, his commanders and colleagues express surprise and regret. 'I will always wish there was something else we could have done to let him know we cared and were there for him.'
By Tony Perry, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
July 20, 2008
When interviewed about his death, none of the Marine's buddies said they had seen any sign that he was thinking of suicide.

Always quiet, he had seemed more withdrawn than usual. He had never felt at ease in Iraq and he repeatedly said he deserved to be back at Camp Pendleton. His reputation was that of a marginal performer who was good for a few days and then would backslide.

He was embarrassed at getting caught three times not paying attention while standing guard. He had been ordered to write letters of apology to his platoon.

Instead he was found dead on his bunk, his M-16 near his body. Tests on the weapon showed it was in perfect shape, seeming to rule out an accident.

Through the Freedom of Information Act, The Times obtained the investigatory report on the death of the 20-year-old lance corporal -- one of at least 168 young Marines who have killed themselves since the Marines were ordered in early 2003 to topple Saddam Hussein.

To spare the family additional pain, The Times has decided not to publish his name or identifying information such as his battalion or where in Iraq the death occurred.

The death has been ruled a suicide, although the man's family cannot accept that finding, according to a family friend. The family declined to talk to The Times. News stories about their son's death never mentioned suicide.
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I know how it feels to be ashamed when someone in your family commits suicide. My husband's nephew, also a Vietnam vet, committed suicide long after I was doing outreach work and saving others from the same fate. I couldn't save him. I carry that guilt wondering what else I could have said, what else I could have done, to have been able to save his life. If we are honest, we all put ourselves through the same questions and never really find any answers there.

Sometimes it's because they are not listening to the voices of people who love them instead of listening to the voices against them. Sometimes they can only hear the voices haunting them from the past. The truth is, there is nothing more we can do than to let them know we love them, care about them and being wounded is nothing to be ashamed of. We need to let them know we are not ashamed of them. For some, that support will be enough to give them the will to go for help. For others, sadly, the pain of the wound is just too deep to reach.

A neighbor of mine back in Massachusetts, found her 20 year old son hanging in his closet. He was a civilian, not dealing with PTSD and the family had no idea he was that much in danger. They didn't hide how he died. They talked about openly as a way of their own healing and to reach out to other families. Looking back on some of the things her son did before his suicide, she noticed there were signs of his desperation. We all come to this with the awareness we have at the moment.

The reluctance of family members to accept the suicide of someone they love is normal. There are some families not willing to accept suicide as a cause of death and they have been proven right. This is a rare occurrence but it does happen. To the families left behind, they need support and understanding to cope with the loss. They do not need accusations any more than they need to feel guilty about not being able to talk about the loss. If families come forward, it takes a lot of courage and compassion for other families as a means of trying to make sure no one else feels their pain. They will understand that there should be no shame in them because they could not prevent it.