Is it bliss to be oblivious?

Is it bliss to be oblivious?
Do these pictures bother you?
Would you rather not see them?

How do you think they feel living through these things?

If you are a spouse of the men and women deployed then I want to have a little chat with you. It has happened too many times and has left me deeply troubled. Yet another email has come from an angry wife over some of my videos. Yet again, I responded as bluntly as possible that she is the one with the problem.

While it is understandable the spouse has to go through being a single parent while they are deployed, along with the constant worry about the next time the doorbell rings, you need to remember that for all you are going through, you need to pay attention to what they are going through at the same time. You cannot be oblivious to all of this just so you can have an easier time not dealing with it, facing it and overcoming it. You are not helping your husband or wife by ignoring all of this. You may be uncomfortable reading news reports or seeing images of Iraq or Afghanistan, but you will never be able to come close to understanding them if you do not force yourself to pay attention.

I am where I am now, married for almost 24 years because I paid attention. I was too young when Vietnam was going on. Jack was only 17 when he enlisted and we did not meet until he had been home for ten years. I learned what he went through. I learned as much as I could about Vietnam reading their stories, studying clinic books and yes, viewing horrific pictures. I forced myself to do it. While I do have total sympathy for you living through them being deployed right now, there is no excuse for ignoring all of this. Sure it breaks your heart. Yes it bothers your sleep. It makes you tense but burying it will not stop any of it from happening to someone you love. The time they spend deployed, you have a job to do. It is not all on them. When they come home they will need you but you won't have a clue what they are talking about unless you pay attention.

They risk dying on a daily basis. Their friends, friends they live with, eat with and trust like family, are dying and being wounded. They never know what will come one moment to the next. If they will have to kill someone or if it will be the last time they see the sun before being blinded, touch something with their right hand that may be blown off or run while they still have legs. When they come home, their biggest complaint is that no one has bothered to pay attention. When you do, sometimes they will tell you not to worry about any of it, but inside they are glad you did. It shows them you cared enough to pay attention.

When you don't know where Baghdad is or Kabul, it makes it very hard for them to feel they can talk to you. If you don't know the difference between Sunni, Shia. Taliban or Al-Qaeda, they get frustrated trying to talk to you at all about what they lived through. Do you know the difference between any of these, where Iraq is or where Afghanistan is? Do you know where Kuwait is? Then how do you expect to know what your spouse is trying to talk to you about?

Do you know the signs of PTSD? Then how do you expect to be able to help them when they cannot help themselves? Do you know what a flashback does to them? What they see in a nightmare? The physical changes their body goes through when they are experiencing either of them?

You have a lot to learn in order to participate in their lives. Otherwise you are living in a fantasy land blissfully unaware and oblivious to what they are going through. Your problems do not being and end with each deployment, they continue on each time they leave and most of the time they get worse each time they come back. You need to pay attention.

I created the PTSD videos knowing the "delicate" nature of some of you unable to see graphic images without closing out the video. You need to watch them and you need to pay attention to the news reports. You need to go into ICasualties.org and see what happened in Iraq today or if they are in Afghanistan, look at the top right of the site for the link to Afghanistan. Do this on a daily basis. You do not have to take more than a few minutes out of your day to know what's going on so that when they come home, they will feel more able to talk to you. Knowledge will open the door providing them the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise, you shut the door and shut them out.

If you think the rest of the country needs to pay attention to them, you need to begin with yourself. If you don't when you love them, how do you expect the rest of the nation to care when your back is against the wall and you are trying to get them the help they need to heal if they get wounded? How do you expect the rest of the nation to understand that you have suffered as well while they are gone if you don't even know what they had to deal with? The country asks a lot out of military families as well as those we send to risk their lives. But you are not doing what needs to be done for the men and women you love.

You need to become informed and aware because the rest of your lives together will depend on what you do now, how much you know and how much you are willing to really understand. It's hard to face but the rest of your married life depends on what you do as well as what they go through.

For those of you who already do this, you are holding the keys to having a successful marriage and finding the keys to holding it together. You will be prepared for when they wake up in the middle of the night from another nightmare and know not to startle them when they are going through a flashback. You will not overreact when they snap at you and you won't take it personally when they just forgot again what you said ten minutes ago. You will calmly explain to your kids why they can't sneak up behind Dad's back anymore or why they have to be quiet when a bad day comes. You will be ready when the signs of PTSD begin to show up next month, next year or five years from now. You will be aware and you will be able talk to them about what happened in Sadr City Iraq or Kandahar Afghanistan. You will know the Canadian Forces are only in Afghanistan and not in Iraq or that the British Forces are in both nations but have pretty much pulled out of Iraq where they once held Basra. That Muqtada al-Sadr is head of the militia in Iraq, Nouri Maliki is the Prime Minister and Jalal Talabani is the President and that Hamid Karzai is the president of Afghanistan.

You don't have to be an expert but at least know Iraq is in the Middle East and Afghanistan is in Asia yet only separated by Iran.

Don't confuse ignorance with bliss because if you are oblivious to all they are going through, you are not showing them you care enough to know. If you love them then make yourself aware.

Senior Chaplain Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
www.Namguardianangel.org
www.Woundedtimes.blogspot.com
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington