Subject: Wanted: church staff proof readers

I don't know who started this email but I'm glad they did. We all need a good laugh!

Subject: Wanted: church staff proof readers
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2008 09:18:52 -0500




Thank God for church staff with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight:
Searching for Jesus.

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing Break Forth into Joy.

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.

25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

34. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

35. Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.