Military spouse needs to know rights with PTSD Vet

This picture of Capt. Drew Jensen and his wife shows how a spouse is by the side of a wounded warrior. The wounds can be seen, but when it comes to PTSD, you are the one who can see the wound in what they do, what they say and how they act. You need to know your rights to make sure you are included in on how your spouse is being treated.

This morning we received a call from our friend's wife. He is a Vietnam vet with PTSD. A few weeks ago I posted how she was going through hell when she called to let us know he was in the hospital again. She told us that the VA would be keeping him for a long time to get him regulated with medication. It was a relief to her. What she went through between the first call and this morning was unnecessary torture to her and her family. While I cannot get into details of this, it caused me to post some advice when dealing with the doctors on behalf of your spouse. This advice needs to also be paid attention to by the VA nurses and doctors.

As soon as you can, get a Medical Power of Attorney. You need to be able to speak to the doctors. With the privacy rules, some doctors and nurses get out of control and many will tell the spouse they have no right to know what is going on if the veteran does not want them to. This happens all the time especially if they are in the hospital and don't want to be there. They get angry at their spouse and believe that keeping them out of the loop is punishment. Rational thinking has been tossed out the window.

With the Medical Power of Attorney, they have to speak to you. This is vital! You are the one who knows them the best. You have been living with them and can see the changes in them. The doctor often has either just met them or has had limited contact with them while the veteran is on their best behavior. Most of the time they give the doctor a snow job trying to minimize what is going on inside of them. Sometimes they are unable to connect to the reality of the kind of damage they are doing to their own lives. Making irrational decisions, taking too many chances speeding or drunk driving, taking off for hours or days at a time without contacting you at all. The list goes on. They do not want to admit what they are doing or they really cannot see the damage being done to their lives.

They will act as if they are not having increased issues with their mood swings and anger. If they do not tell the doctor and he does not see it first hand, he has no way of knowing how they are acting unless someone tells him. If the Vet has told them not to talk to you, they have to listen to the Vet unless you have medical power of attorney. You would think that common sense would overrule this but it doesn't and you are left to keep out of it when you could be providing important information to the doctor so the Vet is treated appropriately as soon as possible. With it, you can speak to the doctor and the nurses. There are times when the nurses will tell you they don't have to talk to you if the Vet has told them not to. They have to honor the MPA. Tell them that. Otherwise you are left to endure needless stress not knowing what is going on and feeling frustrated the Vet is telling them one thing while you know otherwise.

You are their best advocate. You are part of the healing process. You will be the first to see changes in them. You will be the first one to understand they are in need of attention from a doctor. You have an important role in all of this and the medical community needs to understand that you are in fact not only part of the treatment they receive, you are also part of the outcome of the treatment they are given.

When dealing with the VA, most of the time they will refuse to talk to you. They will say they can only talk to the veteran. If you have the right to speak to them on behalf of your spouse, they have to talk to you. Make sure you have your spouse sign Release of Information form for you giving you the right to speak to the VA.

Power of Attorney for Health Care
Power of Attorney for Health Care for all States. This document allows an individual to designate another person to make health care related decisions on their behalf in the event they are unable to do so.
$17.95
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Release of Information Form

http://www.va.gov/vaforms/medical/pdf/vha-10-5345-fill.pdf
You can type in your information, have the veteran sign it and then send it to the VA. They will put it into their system and then next time you need to get some information, they will provide it to you. It sounds ridiculous that you have to go through this as their spouse, but it is the rule.

Durable Power of Attorney

http://www.va.gov/vaforms/medical/pdf/vha-10-0137-fill.pdf
Durable Power of Attorney form so that the veteran can enable someone to make medical decisions for them when they cannot.

The best time to do this is when you do not need it. The last thing you want to do is try to do this at the same time you are dealing with a crisis. Wives have had to obtain restraining orders to provide for their safety needlessly. The Vet may talk about doing something to them because they put them in the hospital while they are thinking irrationally. If the doctor has the form in hand, he knows he is required to speak to you so that you know what is going on. There have been a lot of Vets who have gone off the deep end and lie to their spouse of family member saying the hospital is releasing them or making all kinds of false claims just to freak you out. You have no way of knowing what is real or made up in revenge unless someone at the hospital is telling you the truth.

You have to keep in mind when they are in a crisis state, they are not thinking rationally at all and most of the time what they say is not what they really feel deep inside. You need to remember who they really are under PTSD. Their character is still there buried under the things they are doing and saying.

Get informed of what PTSD is, what causes it and the changes you need to look out for. Watch the videos I've done on the right side of this blog.

Last night I was on Stardust radio speaking with Mike from Point Man Ministries. We were talking about my book and how I got through all of this. Take my life and go from there. You don't have to live through 25 years to get to where I am. You can do it in a few hours. The book is written simply and unfortunately shows the dark side of me going through all of this. We all need to understand that while we need to be an advocate for them, we also need to remember we are still just humans going through the abnormal would of warfare. My husband and I found what works for us and to us, this is a normal life. We managed to find peace with the life we have together and it's our own kind of normal.

While we still have days when I can't stand the way he's acting, it helps to know why he is acting the way he is. I've learned when to walk away, when to not overreact or take it personally. Oh sure, there still times when I want to fight back but then I realize that it does no good to try to be rational when frankly, they are not "all there" while standing in front of you.

None of us are going to perfect in any of this but with the knowledge in hand, you have the tool you need to cope with all of it. Your marriage does not have to end and your children do not have to wonder what they did wrong when your spouse is bouncing off the wall. There will be days that no matter how much you know, you need to find help for yourself as well.

It took me ten years of living with all of this before I called a psychologist for myself. The frustration was eating away at me to the point where I was actually feeling the anger. That is out of my character. I knew I needed some help. I needed to talk to someone who knew what PTSD was and what I was dealing with just to vent the frustration. If there is a support group in your area, go there! I cannot tell you how much of a gift it is for yourself to find people going through the same things you are. If there is not a support group, then ask your spouse's doctor how you can get in touch with other wives and start one. There was a time when all VA mental health facilities had support groups for the spouse. Unfortunately the VA forgot how beneficial they were in caring for the veteran to take care of the spouse as well. As with anything else, if enough people ask for something, the VA will pay attention knowing what the need is.

The last piece of advice I can give you as a spouse is to also take care of your own mind-body-spirit connection. Go to church or whatever religious structure you feel comfortable with. Fellowship with others helps to feed your soul. Prayer is an energy boost and meditation is calming the nerves. If you are under too much stress, seek professional help to help you deal with what you are going through. You will be helping your relationship at the same time and keep things from getting out of control. Living with stress can damage your own health. Take care of your body as well. Eat a good balance of food and yes, if you need it, eat sweets and deserts as long as you do not eat an unhealthy portion of them. We are too often the last ones we take care of at the same time we are taking care of everyone else. Go for walks! Get back in touch with nature. Ride a bike. Go swimming. The same advice I give to veterans applies to you as well. You may not have gone to war, but it is your battle to fight for the sake of your spouse and your family. You need all the ammunition you can get your hands on to keep it all together.

If your marriage has already ended or your family member is no longer alive, you also need to know why things were the way they were. It isn't your fault it turned out the way it did. The majority of people in the world have no clue what PTSD is and you had no way of dealing with any of this. Understanding what caused it can bring forgiveness for yourself and often you will be able to forgive the veteran as well. I've seen many relationships restored once they understand where it all came from. Children end up finally understanding that none of it had anything to do with them and they in turn heal as they forgive.

If you have any questions, just email me anytime.




Chaplain Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
http://www.namguardianangel.org/
http://www.namguardianangel.blogspot.com/
http://www.woundedtimes.blogspot.com/
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington