Military Kin Struggle With Loss and a Windfall

Military Kin Struggle With Loss and a Windfall
By LISA W. FODERARO
Published: March 22, 2008
For some relatives of service members killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, the money feels, at first, like an affront, as if the government were putting a price tag on a loved one’s life. Others are thrown off balance by the sudden infusion of $500,000, spending with abandon to assuage grief or finding themselves besieged by hard-up friends and relatives. And the newfound wealth often strains relations among in-laws.


Three years ago, advocates for military families succeeded in winning a significant expansion in survivor benefits, which include life insurance, a death gratuity, medical care and housing and education assistance. But the increases have left some widows and next of kin clearly rattled by the collision of mourning and money.

“It’s like winning the lottery, and your relatives all look at you like you’re a cash cow,” said Kathleen B. Moakler, director of government relations for the National Military Family Association, a nonprofit advocacy organization. “Money makes people do strange things.”

The parents of Sgt. Eli Parker of the Marines, killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq, used the $500,000 to finance their retirement, remodel their house near Syracuse and travel to Washington for the Marine Corps Marathon. After Sgt. Dominic J. Sacco of the Army was killed three years ago by an insurgent attack on his tank, his widow, Brandy, fielded requests for cash from family members she had not talked to for years — as well as from her husband’s ex-wife and a woman in prison who claimed that Sergeant Sacco had fathered her son.

Kayla Avery, whose husband was killed seven months after their West Point wedding, invested most of the payout, but not before buying new bedroom furniture, a Louis Vuitton wallet and a purple Coach bag to match her funeral clothes.

“I thought, ‘Well, this is my husband’s last Christmas gift to me,’ ” said Ms. Avery, 25, a graduate student in psychology who lives in Tennessee, near Fort Campbell, where her husband, First Lt. Garrison C. Avery, was an Army platoon leader.

It is impossible to know how many survivors of the service members killed in Iraq and Afghanistan have struggled with managing the benefits, and in interviews with dozens of military families, only a handful were willing to talk specifically about how they spent the money. Many families use the money to secure children’s futures, pay off mortgages, or otherwise make up for a long-term loss of income. But experts on military families say that they are seeing a growing number of problems, and that young widows — often naïve about finance and easily seduced by the glamorous accouterments of pop culture — seem to be especially vulnerable, trying to somehow fill emotional gaps with material things and ending up in debt instead.
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http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/22/nyregion/
22benefits.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&hp
Linked from ICasualties.org

3,996 killed in Iraq
487 killed in Afghanistan

When they get their orders to go, you may be thinking about them leaving you again, worry about that this time they may not come home. What you don't think about is, if the worst happens, then what? You need to make sure their affairs are really in order and that includes making sure you as their spouse are the beneficiary. Do not assume you are. Too often talking about something like this is very difficult, especially when they are packing to redeploy but it is necessary. Just as you would talk about where to be buried, who takes care of the kids, this needs to be done as well. It may be hard but it is the responsible thing to do.

As this report points out, too often people do very strange things when it comes to money. A mother was left as beneficiary on a life insurance policy. She got the bulk of the money while the wife and kids got a lot less. Families will fight over money especially when there are divorces and children from previous marriages. You need to discuss what are the wishes and intent of all involved ahead of time. $500,000 doesn't go as far as it used to when you think about the mortgage and college funds. No widow or widower should think of it as a whole lot of money instead of security for their future.

Too often, young wives especially, will think they will get married again so they don't want to think about their futures. They think they can worry about all that later but they don't think about beginning a new relationship with kids they will also have to consider. Talk about this while your husband or your wife is still here so that there are no shockers or surprises later on. You will be dealing with enough pain if they don't come home.